Shadowboxer
by Gypsy Rose2014
Summary: VERY MUCH REYLO! Despite accepting her place in the rebellion, Rey is still having trouble severing her connection with Ben Solo. Even though her brain is screaming that their relationship is too dangerous for both, her heart can't seem to resist his insistent calling from across the universe.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So I haven't written Star Wars fic in a VERY long time, so bear with me while I get my feet wet. I just couldn't resist adding my 2 cents to the new universe with a little ReyLo shipping. Don't worry, Sherlock fans. I'm not abandoning those stories. I've really just had so many paid deadlines that I haven't been able to update those stories in a while. As always, I own nothing. Just playing in other people's sandboxes for a bit.

 _"Oh, it's evil babe, the way you let your grace enrapture me. When well you know I'd be insane, to ever let that dirty game recapture me." - Fiona Apple, "Shadowboxer"_

"Go away." Rey shuddered as she felt that peculiar prickling along the back of her neck that always accompanied these little communiques. She snapped her fingers, turning the lights off and drowning herself in shadow.

"You say that like I have any control over this whatsoever." Rey turned and saw the familiar face of Ben Solo. In her mind, he would always be Ben, not the dreaded Jedi Killer Kylo Ren. What a silly name. Spacey, or maybe like someone's dog. These thoughts swirled, keeping the fear and exhilaration of seeing him at bay.

"Isn't that your… thing? Ultimate control of the Force?" She rolled her eyes and threw her vest aside. It hadn't been a good day and she wasn't really in the mood for games.

"Only in knowing that I have no control."

"How very philosophical, Ben." Rey sat down on the makeshift palette and let the Force slide around her like a warm blanket. The more she focused, the more distinct his outline became until it was as if he were sitting with her in the room.

"I wish you wouldn't call me that," he said.

"Then what should I call you? Supreme Leader? You aren't my supreme leader."

"Of course I am. You and your scum friends just exist in a state of extreme denial."

"My scum friends? Including your mother."

"I'd rather not talk about my mother, if you don't mind." Rey noticed a slight twitch in the corner of his left eye. It was a tic she'd noticed before when talking about the General.

"I'd rather not talk at all," Rey snapped. "I keep thinking that if maybe I ignore you, that eventually this… whatever it is… will go away."

"You hate me that much?"

What could she possibly say to that? Of course she didn't, but to say it out loud would make the emotional turmoil she was feeling too real. "I don't exactly hate you. Not that I don't have plenty of reason."

"Oh? What have I ever done to you except let you escape and save your life?"

Rey gasped. "Let me? You let me go?"

"You burned my face with a lightsaber," he said, ignoring her arguments.

"I don't think you ever let me go. And you saved my life that one time. Once."

"There might be a permanent scar."

Rey's reply died on her lips as she turned her gaze to his. There was something strange. His jaw was usually fixed in an angry rictus and his mouth set in a hard line, but for a fleeting moment, Rey was convinced that she saw a mischievous sparkle in his dark eyes that were usually so full of angry fire. "Are you making a joke?"

"Why? Hear something funny?" One corner of his mouth twitched slightly, but his eyes were full of mirth and before she could stop herself, Rey laughed. At first he could only stare. As if the vision of someone laughing because of something he'd said was incomprehensible. Was he truly so damaged that even a laugh was foreign? Then suddenly, he was laughing too.

"Are you… are you laughing?" Rey said through her giggling.

"Of course not."

"I didn't even know you had teeth."

This only made them laugh harder. Rey could feel the stress of the day falling from her shoulders as she slipped into this accidental, comfortable conversation with this person who should be her mortal enemy. She blushed, thinking that his deep, growling laughter was the most beautiful music she'd ever heard. She really hoped that he was too distracted to read her thoughts. When they were connected this way, everything was on the surface and easily seen.

"I do a lot of things that… others do."

"Oh really?" Rey asked, narrowing her eyes. "There's a list I'd like to see."

"You're that interested?"

"Shouldn't I be? And since you obviously aren't going away…"

"I thought you didn't exactly hate me."

"Doesn't mean I can't be interested."

He nodded and stared down at his hands. She noticed for the first time that he was sitting, looking strangely casual in his black tunic and loose pants. Rey was silently grateful. She was uncomfortable seeing him in any state of undress. She wasn't exactly sure why, only that it gave her the strangest feeling in the pit of her stomach. A feeling that returned sometimes when she was alone in the dark.

"So what other things?"

"What?"

"What other things do you do? What do you like? Using the bones of your enemies to pick your teeth? Building new and interestingly shaped lightsabers?"

He shrugged. "I suppose I like you. I'm not sure why and I've done everything I can to stop myself."

Rey smiled. "I'm a likeable person. Everyone says so."

"Everyone? Like your friend the traitor stormtrooper? Or perhaps the dark-eyed pilot that reminds you so much of my father."

"Poe doesn't remind me of your father…"

"Why do you bother lying? You know I can see it. Besides, I know you don't have friends. Not really. None of them really know you."

Rey felt a lump in her throat. "That's mean. Take it back."

"I'm a monster, remember. I reserve the right to be mean. And I didn't mean any offense. Only that you hide yourself away, never revealing your most intimate thoughts."

"I thought we were talking about you," Rey said.

"I'd rather talk about you."

"I'm not telling you anything about me. Besides, I thought you knew it all anyway." Rey's smile died away and she stared down at the floor, cataloguing every line and chink. The words, his words, rang in her head. _"You are nothing."_ She'd heard them so many times, echoing in the shadows while she lay wide awake. "Not that there's much to know, right?"

"Not everything. Searching your mind is exhausting. And I'd prefer to hear it from you."

"Why?"

"It challenges me," Ben said, standing. Rey couldn't help but be fascinated by the way his body moved under the tunic. "Watching you for any sign of a lie. Or the truth."

"So what do you see?"

He paused and she could feel a tickle at her temple. He was focusing. If she resisted, the tickle would begin to burn and then throb until finally it would feel as if her skull, and then her body, were being torn apart from the inside. "You're angry with me. But not for the usual reasons. Something you think is trivial… I hurt you."

"You can't hurt me," she said, turning away completely now. "Nothing you say can upset me."

"I find that hard to believe," he chuckled. "It seems everything I say upsets you."

"I'm not nothing," she said finally. "I may come from nothing, but I'm not nothing."

He started to speak again, but stopped short. For a moment, he looked like a fish out of water, opening and closing his mouth, gasping for air. Rey could feel that he was surprised and searching for the right words. "I didn't mean… I didn't mean that you were nothing. Only that you shouldn't keep holding out hope for a lie."

"It was a cruel thing to say," she said, hating herself for the tears she could feel burning at the corners of her eyes.

"Isn't it kinder to tell you the truth?"

"Not like that."

Ben sighed and shook his head. "I didn't exactly have time to break it to you gently, Rey." He pushed a stray lock of hair away from his eye. "Look, you aren't at fault for being left behind. I can feel the guilt, still lingering even when you know the truth. You have nothing to feel guilty about. They abandoned you there, Rey. And it doesn't matter who they were—junk traders, smugglers… or princesses. They didn't give a shit about you, so you don't owe them anything."

"Are you talking about me or yourself?"

"Both of us, I guess. I'm sure you've figured out by now that you and I are two sides of the same coin."

"I am nothing like you."

"Yes you are. That's why you hate me so much. Everything you keep deep down inside, I wear it proudly."

"Not proudly," Rey snapped, wiping the tears away from her eyes. "I can look inside you too, you know. And what I feel isn't pride. You have guilt and hate and sadness. Fear. Fear that you're too far gone to ever go back. Fear that you're weak. Fear that you're everything Snoke said you were."

"Do you believe that?"

Rey considered his question. She'd seen both sides of him. The ruthless, murdering savage, Kylo Ren, and the merciful, protective, and sad Ben Solo. She could feel that despite all that had happened, he was still conflicted. His love for his mother was still there. One didn't need The Force to see that. But there was something else, something darker but not necessarily bad, that held him back. "I thought I did. And sometimes I hate you so much."

"Only sometimes?"

"Other times I… I feel like you're the only person in the world that knows me. I've always felt so alone. Even among my friends, I feel apart. I suppose that's why I'm still here. The only time I don't feel this profound loneliness is when I'm with you."

Ben didn't reply, but Rey ventured to guess he felt the same. She'd felt it in the throne room. He'd been so desperate for her to stay. And if she were being honest with herself, it broke her heart to say no. It wasn't some great moral crossroads with choosing power. Rey couldn't care less about power. It was him. She hadn't wanted to leave him. "Do you ever think about that night in the throne room?" she asked.

"Sometimes."

"It was awful, but also beautiful. Don't you think? I felt like we were one person. Every move I made was a perfect compliment to yours. Strange."

"Not really," Ben replied. "Snoke warned me that there would be another. An opposite. The light rising up to meet the dark. Superstitious fuck."

This time Rey burst into nervous laughter. Not only that his words were so far out of character, but the way he'd spoken the final word. Just the way his mouth moved, had sent a bolt of lightning straight to her center. Once there it radiated a pleasant heat so acute that she nearly groaned aloud. Her mouth was a desert and her cheeks flared. "You have a way with words when you aren't hiding behind a mask."

"I meant what I said to you that night." Rey's laughter died away when her eyes met his. Once more they darkened and the fire inside them flared. She considered peering into his thoughts, but thought better of it. It would be a violation.

"You're not nothing to me. Never to me."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks so much for all the lovely reviews! I'm so glad you like a slow burn story like this one. It feels great to be back in the SW universe. As always, I'm just playing with other people's characters...

 **OoOoOoOo**

 _Pain. Rey felt the pain before she saw the source. A burning that was sharp and intense. She waned to crawl out of her body to escape it. It just went on and on until she felt she was being torn apart. When she opened her eyes, she was blinded by red light. A feeling of dread bubbled up in her throat and for a moment Rey was sure she was going to be sick. She rolled over, trying to see her attacker might be. His face was obscured in shadow, but his eyes burned like red coals. She tried to speak, but before the words would come, he was upon her. His weight on top of her stole whatever breath was left in her lungs. She couldn't make a sound as he pressed down harder. He growled against her cheek. He was close. Rey was so afraid, but excited. She reached out, willing The Force for the strength to shove this thing away from her, but it was a fickle energy, forsaking her. Or perhaps it knew that the more he hurt her, the more alive she felt._

 _"_ _You're nothing," he whispered. "But not to me."_

 _She gasped as she felt the white-hot blade tear through her body, stopping her heart._

Rey woke screaming into her pillow. She could feel the tears wetting her cheek, and when she pulled back it was obvious that she'd been crying for quite some time. Nightmares had plagued Rey for most of her life, but recently, they'd grown darker and more real. As a child, she'd always been aware that she was dreaming, but not so these days.

She sat up, taking a deep breath. She could still feel the blade. The phantom pain dulled to a throb and she rubbed her hand across her belly. Rey knew that if she looked under the fold of her tunic that there would be a mark. An angry, jagged red line that stretched across her midsection. She wouldn't look. Rey didn't want to believe that she'd been touched by something unseen. She also didn't want to believe that her attacker was him, but it was. And he was getting closer. Was this their future? Would he strike her down if given the chance? Maybe Ben Solo really was gone.

Then she remembered his smile. That smile that he hadn't wanted her to see. The one he'd tried to hide behind his hand when she made him laugh. He'd looked so innocent then. Rey imagined that was the face of the small, scared little boy that he'd once been. The one feeling abandoned by his parents and attacked by his teacher. The thought made Rey cry all over again and she found herself heaving deep, anguished sobs for him. For the loss of him. For his soul.

 _"_ _Are you there? Are you alright?"_

Rey's head snapped up, expecting to see one of the others, come to see why she was screaming her head off for no apparent reason. But the room was empty. As usual. Only the shadows to greet her. Funny, for a place so alive with activity, the new rebel base was almost as lonely as Jakku. She'd grown tired of watching Finn moon over Rose and everyone else had these big, important things to do. Rey was just left behind, holding up the status quo until she was needed. Secretly she thought that Leia was keeping her out of harm's way on purpose.

"Who's… there?" she called, her voice choked by sobs.

"Who do you think?"

She slid back on the bed, leaning against the wall and watching as Ben's form took shape. She bit down on the inside of her cheek. He'd obviously been sleeping, like her. His hair was mussed, and he only wore pants that hung loosely from sharp hip bones that were just barely visible.

"What do you want?" Rey asked, wiping at her eyes. "I'm trying to…to… sleep." She mentally kicked herself for letting him hear her voice shudder.

"But you aren't. And I clearly heard you screaming. You woke me up."

"Sorry to be such… an… inconvenience, but you can close this comm channel anytime you get ready."

"So could you."

Rey tried to think of a witty, biting retort, but she was coming up empty. The dream that should have been fading by now, was still vivid in her mind. "I… didn't start… this. Why don't you… just go… away…?"

"If I could, but unfortunately, if you hurt, so do I. It's a side effect of our connection, I'm afraid."

"So I suppose that means if you kill me, you kill yourself?"

He didn't answer, only gave her that wide-eyed, dark stare. She felt her brain tickle and she knew he was searching for something. "Get out of my head…" she sniffled. "Please."

Ben yawned and stretched. Rey's breath caught as she watched the muscles of his torso move under the skin. Like a perfect machine, usually carefully hidden under yards of fabric, but now so close to the surface. Her mouth watered and she bit down on her lip. "Your thoughts are muddled right now anyway. Dreams mixing with reality."

"You didn't answer my question. "If you kill me, do you kill yourself?"

He considered his words carefully, chewing his lip but never blinking. "Yes, but not for the reasons you think."

"Oh?"

"For reasons that have nothing to do with The Force."

What the hell was that supposed to mean? What reasons? "Don't be cryptic when I'm still so frightened."

"I didn't realize I was being cryptic. And what are you so afraid of? I'm halfway across the galaxy from you. So you have nothing to fear from me."

Rey chuckled, wiping her eyes. "You know that every word out of your mouth is suspect as far as I'm concerned."

"I'd be insulted if it wasn't." He shifted around and lay down across his bed, wherever that might be. His form wound up lying beside her. Once more, her breath hitched and she found herself recoiling from him. "You still haven't told me why you're crying."

"Maybe because it's none of your business."

"Look, it's the middle of the night. No one else is around. Let's pretend for a while that you're just Rey, a scavenger from Jakku, and I'm just…" He couldn't say it. Like speaking his own true name was almost painful. "Just Ben Solo."

"Is that even possible?"

"Anything is possible. So why are you crying?"

Rey sighed and pulled her blanket up. "I had a nightmare, okay?"

"About? And don't say it isn't any of my business. I'm trying to be courteous and not take it myself."

Rey rolled her eyes. "The same nightmare I've been having for ages. Being stalked by a man dressed in black. He gets closer every time." Her eyes met his and this time she held his gaze. "I wonder why."

"Still afraid of being stalked by a creature in a mask?"

"His face is always hidden, yes." Just the memory of the burning black embers in his eyes was enough to make her shudder. "Anyway, that dream… it just… it feels like dying."

"Are you afraid to die?"

"Not so much the dying as the uncertainty of it. And the pain."

"Pain is what keeps us alive. Embrace it like an old friend and you won't be afraid."

Rey nodded. "You're right. I just wish I could let go of it. And the dream."

"When you stop being afraid of the man in black, the dream will go away." Before she knew what was happening, he took her hand. The sensation was so strange. He wasn't there, but she could feel his touch as if he were sitting right beside her. First, a tingle of electricity as their hands connected. Then cold, and finally she could feel the warmth of his skin wrapping around her hand.

Rey's first instinct was to pull away from him, but she was so fascinated by this trick of their bond. How could she feel him so close when he was so far away? "I can't…" she whispered. "I can't stop being afraid of him."

"You don't have to be afraid." He held her hand tighter, swiping the thumb of his hand along her knuckles. He traced each finger, letting the electricity trickle over the tiny bones.

"Stop that," she said.

"Do you want me to?"

"Yes!"

"Liar." The corner of his mouth quirked and his eyes were sleepy. Ben was a sleepy lion, still dangerous, but docile. "Lie down."

"What?"

"Lie down."

"Why?"

"Just lie down. You need to sleep."

Rey shook her head, pushing her hair away from her face. "No. I think I'm done sleeping for the night."

"Just do it. Lie down." His eyes bore into hers as she stared down at him. Obviously, he had no intention of backing down. She could break their connection, but she didn't want to. She wanted to keep him here. As ridiculous as it might seem, Rey felt safer with him by her side.

Finally, she obeyed and slid down under the meager blanket. She rolled over, facing him. He clutched her hand tight and brought it against his chest. "Close your eyes."

"All right…" she said, still not sure where this might be going.

"Let The Force slide around you, like that blanket you're lying under. Imagine it enveloping your body, keeping everything and everyone at bay. Protecting you." Now he pressed her palm against his chest. She could feel his heart, pounding there strong and rhythmic. "Breathe like me." Rey concentrated on letting her breath fall into sync with his. After several moments, she realized that their hearts were beating together, matching one another beat for beat. "Can you feel it?"

Rey sighed, nodding slowly. She could most definitely feel him. Her body fell into rhythm with his so easily. As if this was how she'd been meant to breathe her whole life. "Yes, Ben. I feel it…"

"Just let it happen. Relax and sleep. You won't wake again tonight. I'll keep the creatures in the dark at bay."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: First off, let me say that you guys are amazing! Thank you so much for all of your feedback. It really makes my day that I can make people happy during this long, cold winter. I hope you enjoy this new installment, and if I haven't thanked you through PM for your review yet, know that I am very much appreciative. As always, I'm just playing in other people's worlds. I own nothing!

 **OoOoOoOo**

Rey woke with a start as the automatic lights rose with the first light of the planet's three suns. She was more than a little disturbed to find that she was clutching her pillow tightly to her chest.

Like a lover.

She shoved the pillow away, staring as it skidded across the floor and under the small table opposite. For a moment she wondered if their entire conversation had been a dream. It wouldn't be unusual. She'd dreamed of Ben many times since their first meeting. Most of them dark and dangerous like her recurring nightmare of the man in black. But some were even more upsetting. They were warm and wet. Bright red dreams that left her breathless in the dark without really knowing why. Those she could never remember with any detail. Only the bittersweet taste of blood and ashes on her lips.

"Hey! You up yet, sleepyhead?"

Rey smiled, recognizing the cheerful voice of Finn on the other side of her door. Suddenly, she wanted to see him more than anything else. Finn never made demands or forced her to face unpleasant truths. He was simply Finn. Her friend.

"Barely!" she called, swinging her legs over the side of her bed and standing up to stretch. "Don't come in! I'm not decent." She grabbed a pair of pants that lay over the back of the chair. As she pulled them over her hips, Rey chose not to think about the fact that she'd spoken at great length to her mortal enemy without the benefit of trousers.

"Well hurry up! I have amazing news."

Rey opened the door and Finn attacked her with one of the smothering hugs for which he'd become famous. She laughed. "What is so amazing?" she asked, almost pained as he squeezed the life out of her.

"Well for starters," he said, pulling back. "Rose is awake. All the way this time! She even called me by name."

"Oh Finn! That's wonderful." This time it was her turn to squeeze him. Finn had been terribly worried about his new friend after her injury at Crait. He hadn't given her any specifics, but she knew that Rose had sacrificed herself to save Finn's life and that there was something going on there a bit more involved than friendship. A slight twinge of jealousy poked Rey from time to time, but upon closer examination, she knew that she and Finn worked best as friends. As much as she loved him, there were things about Rey that he would never be able to understand. Would anyone?

"See, I told you she'd be fine."

"And not a moment too soon. General Organa is sending me on a mission."

"Oh yeah, Big Deal?" They laughed, remembering the silly nickname coined by Han Solo. Funny, she could think of him now without wanting to cry. Grief was an interesting emotion.

"Me and Poe! There's a cell of resistance fighters still loyal to Leia, trapped in an old outpost on Breeka. There's a pilot there, Kelso, who the general thinks might be of use here. There aren't enough of us to launch a full scale rescue mission against the First Order, but she thinks that me, Poe, and a few others might just be able to slip in unnoticed and get them to safety."

Rey's heart skipped a beat. Finally, something useful to do. She'd grown quite tired of refurbishing old weapons and repairing the stronghold. "Great! When do we leave?"

Finn's expression wilted. "Oh… well uhm… General Organa… She just wanted me and Poe. And a couple of pilots and medical droids."

"I'm a pilot!"

"Of course you are. The best pilot in the galaxy, for sure. But… she just doesn't think it would be a good idea for you right now."

"Why?" Rey was starting to get angry now. She was every bit as capable as Poe Dameron! "I don't want to sit around here like some old rug."

Finn shrugged. "I mentioned that I'd like to take you with us, but she was pretty definite that you should stay here. Maybe you should go talk to her about it, but…"

"But what?"

"I don't know, Rey. Maybe you're just a little… fragile right now."

"Fragile? What does that even mean?"

"You went through some serious weird stuff a little while ago. Maybe the general is just trying to make sure you're all healed up. Both physically and… well…"

"Well?"

"Inside. You know…" Finn tapped his forehead.

"That's ridiculous!" Rey exclaimed. "I'm not crazy."

"No, but you have to admit that you've been kind of distracted. Ever since you got back from Jedi Island, it's like you're wearing a comm unit that's picking up everyone in the galaxy."

Rey went to the tiny closet and jerked today's outfit off the hanger angrily. "You all act like I chose this… whatever it is. I can't control it!"

"And that's the scary part," Finn said. "You can't control it. And if your frequency is open, other people's might be too."

"What do you mean?"

Finn hesitated. "I'm just thinking about what you told me. About what happened on the _Supremacy_."

"You think I'm sympathetic to the First Order because I tried to help Ben Solo."

"No!" Finn said, backpedaling quickly. "I would never say that. But listen to yourself. That… _creature_ is Kylo Ren. There is no Ben Solo anymore. You've seen what he can do. And I just don't want you to get hurt because he's manipulated you again."

Rey could feel tears stinging in her eyes and it only made the rage bubble in her belly like a ball of fire. "I would never sell out my friends. No matter what. You have no idea what it's like for him. Or for me. But if you don't trust me. If General Organa doesn't trust me…"

"That isn't it."

"It certainly sounds like it."

"Maybe you can't trust yourself."

The rage inside of Rey exploded and the force of it shoved Finn backward until he slammed into the wall and crumpled to the floor. The table behind her jumped up of its own accord and slammed against the wall until it shattered and the contents on the top clattered against the opposite wall.

Rey gasped. "Oh… oh Finn… I'm… I'm so sorry…" She reached out to help him up and he recoiled. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"You can't control this, Rey! And until you can, maybe you should stay here."

"Please, Finn…" she said, backing away as he stood up. "Please don't…"

"I'll see you later, Rey. I'm… I'm going to go see Rose."

Rey watched him walk away through a veil of tears.

 **OoOoOoOo**

"Is that what it's like?" Rey asked. "No one trusts you anymore? Everyone looks at you differently?"

"They fear what they do not understand," Ben said. "For all the 'may the Force be with you' stuff, most people don't actually believe until they see it for themselves. And when they do, it scares them." He reached down and pulled his boot on, lacing it up. "And what scares them even more is the thought that someone can manipulate something they can't."

"But this is Finn. My friend…"

"Your traitor."

"Don't call him that," Rey snapped. "He can't be a traitor if he didn't make the choice to be a stormtrooper."

"We'll have to agree to disagree."

"The point is," Rey sighed. "He's my friend. The first friend I ever had. And today when he looked at me… it was like he didn't know who I was. He was afraid. I don't ever want him to look at me like that."

Ben snorted, pulling an undertunic around his shoulders. Strange, she was getting used to watching him dress. "Get used to it. People loved the jedi, but still found them just a little bit creepy."

"I'm not a jedi."

"No, but you're the closest thing they've got right now. Even the god-like Luke Skywalker, people used to cross the road when he walked down it. Help us, Master Luke, but they weren't too quick to invite him over for dinner."

Rey shook her head. "I don't want this. I don't want people to be afraid of me."

"Why not? Fear is power."

"I'd rather have respect."

"Charming," Ben said. She was trying very hard not to be distracted by the glimpse of his hip bone as he tucked the undertunic into his pants. "But the truth is, the Force isn't something you can turn on and off like a light. Cutting yourself off from it is a skill that is only acquired over time. Not to mention that ignoring it will kill you a little more each day."

"What do you mean?"

"The effort. Blocking the Force is like… tearing apart a little bit of your soul. The effort of holding it back is taxing on the mind and is in turn taxing on the body. It's like you wither away like a flower in the snow. And in your case, the effects would likely be very fast."

Why do you say that?"

Ben smirked. A small smile that was probably supposed to be a secret. "The Force shines so bright in you. I can see it. Even right now, while you're so far away, it just radiates off of you. It's so hot I can feel it. For you to cut that off now that you know it's there—you wouldn't survive."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I tried. After the Temple, I tried to cut myself off. I thought that's what I deserved. I thought that maybe if I made this go away, that I could go home and everything would be okay. But instead I nearly died and the only one that was there to save me…" He paused and shook his head. "You need help."

Rey sat down on her bed, crossing her legs and resting her elbows on her knees. Then, before she could say another word, she burst into tears. All of the confusion, fear, anger, and guilt that had been building up inside finally came to the surface and for several minutes, all she could do was sob.

"I… don't know… what's happening to me."

"You need a teacher. This is why there are always two: master and apprentice. Let me help you."

His words echoed in Rey's ears. They were the same words he'd said in her dreams so many times. The same words he'd said to her in the forest. They burrowed into her mind and took root. As if the Force itself was whispering them to her. It felt right, but she couldn't give in. She could never trust him. Not after everything that had happened.

"Come to me, Rey. I'll teach you. I'll help you."

"You know I can't. You know that's never going to happen."

"Why not?"

"I can't trust you," she spat through the tears.

"You know it's the only way. If you don't take control, the Force will destroy you."

"You'd love that," she sniffled. "To destroy me."

Ben shook his head. Rey could tell he was fighting to keep control of his temper. She was trying his patience. Or was that desperation she could see instead of rage? "I don't want to destroy you, Rey. I don't think I could. And you're right. Asking you to come is… insane. It's a leap of faith that I'm not sure I could accept were I in your position."

Rey considered his words. A leap of faith. Trust. These were not concepts she associated with Kylo Ren. Or Ben Solo, even. The only person she truly trusted in the whole of the world was Finn. And now he couldn't trust her. What other choice did she have?

"Surrendering to you would be surrendering to the First Order, and I will not do that. I won't come anywhere near your ship, so all of this talking is moot."

"A neutral location, then. Somewhere beyond the reach of the First Order."

"Nowhere is beyond their reach. You forget. You're the Supreme Leader now. You're welcome, by the way."

"I know a place. It's on the edge of known space. The First Order has no presence there, nor does the Resistance."

"And I suppose I should come alone."

"Naturally."

Rey chuckled. "Nice try. I'll get there, all on my own, with no one to save me when you strike me down. No thank you."

"You act as if there's no risk for me either, Rey. There is, in fact, more risk to my life than yours. If you bring a few of your scum friends, you could ambush me easily. Destroy the Supreme Leader of the First Order. You could squash your enemies with one swift battle. I'm good, but I doubt I could defeat you and a fleet of x-wing fighters."

"Point taken. I'm still not agreeing to this."

Ben smiled and finished fastening his belt. Damn his smile. It made it so hard to hate him. "I'll give you the coordinates to the rendez-vous point. I'll be there in five days' time. If you choose not to trust me, forget the coordinates and move on with your life, such as it is. But it's the last time I'll ask. If you refuse my offer, you're on your own."

 **OoOoOo**

Rey tried to look unobtrusive as she strolled around the hangar. The hulking shapes of starships in various states of disrepair rose up in the shadows, crawling with crews of people working to get them in working order. The Falcon sat at the far end of the hangar. Her rocky re-entry into Crait had caused some damage to the hull that they were trying to fix. It was, after all, their greatest asset in a fight. It wouldn't do to have it falling apart. Or being stolen to go traipsing around the galaxy. Besides, wherever the Falcon went, Chewie went. And should she decide to go, she'd need to leave everyone behind.

In the back of the hangar, an unusually majestic ship like Rey had never seen before glimmered in the darkness. Sleek and shiny—it did not look like a battle-worn cruiser like the rest of these skeletons. Would something like that have any speed at all? Would it even have a hyperdrive?

"She's pretty, isn't she?"

Rey turned to see General Organa standing behind her. She stared up at the ship with the wide-eyed wonder of a child. "I've never seen anything like her."

"That's because they don't make them anymore. This ship is very old."

"It doesn't look like it."

Leia nodded. "It's well taken care of. This is my personal ship."

Rey's eyes widened. She didn't realize that Leia was a pilot. "Oh really?"

She nodded. "I don't get much chance to fly it anymore. In fact, I think the last time was before all… this. I've been told that it belonged to my mother. My _real_ mother. But I doubt it. It has some customizations that weren't available in her time."

"It's so sleek and the lines so clean. Is it a fighter?"

Leia shook her head. "No, no. It wasn't really built for speed, though she can go pretty good if need be. Han hated it. He called it a passion wagon, which I think was his way of saying it was better suited for honeymoon getaways than battles. But given that piece of junk he was driving, his judgement might have been lacking."

Rey giggled. Leia spoke of him with so much love, even now. "The Falcon has its good points."

"It's fast, that's for sure. And durable. Truth be told, it should have been dead and buried a long time ago. But it's gotten us out of a lot of jams, so I suppose I can't be too begrudging of it."

Rey nodded in agreement. "It's gotten me out of some jams already."

Leia nodded toward the starship. "This is a Nubian royal starship, built on Naboo and customized in recent years with a cloaking device. It doesn't have much in the way of weaponry, but it is equipped with a fairly efficient hyperdrive. Good for slipping in and out of places without being noticed."

Rey couldn't be sure, but she was almost certain that Leia had given her a pointed look. Did she know what Rey was thinking? It was obvious that the general had some relationship with the Force. Could it be that she was trying to enable Rey to leave? "A useful feature."

Leia turned to Rey and took her hands, squeezing them tight. "I know you were upset about my leaving you out of the mission to Breeka."

"It's nothing…"

"I didn't want you to think that I didn't trust you, Rey."

"General, it isn't my place…"

"I just think you have more important things to do." Leia said, her eyes wide and knowing. "And call me Leia."


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks you guys! All of your reviews have made me so excited to write the next chapter. And the next... and the next... Seriously, thanks for all of your support of this crazy story. I appreciate every single kind word so very much.

Disclaimer: As always, just playing in the universe. I don't own anything.

 **OoOoOo**

 _"_ _Go on and fight me. Go on and scare me to death."—S.O.S. (Anything But Love), Apocalyptica_

When Rey stepped off the Nubian, she was sure that she'd somehow gotten the coordinates Ben had given her all wrong. She had expected the chosen site to be a barren wasteland. The planet on which she emerged was no such place. The port where she'd landed was obviously the remnants of a once bustling metropolis. Now there was only an open space amongst a rise of rolling mountains. But it was anything but barren.

A blast of cold air that took her breath greeted her as she opened the bay door and started down the concourse. The entire world was covered in a blanket of pristine, white snow. Only the slightest hint of bright evergreen peeked out from the mountainsides. The air was crisp and clean. Had it not been frigid, Rey would have been content to stand there breathing it in. She was still constantly amazed by atmosphere. Jakku's had been arid and dusty, making it hard to breathe, but this place was wonderful. It had good air.

"Going to stand there freezing all day?"

Rey turned to see someone walking toward her. She didn't recognize the figure and let her hand fall to the hilt of her staff. The person was a tall, hulking figure dressed all in gray. The lower half of his face was covered with a dark scarf, but wide eyes peered out over it. He looked like a living shadow coming toward her. As he got closer she recognized his gait immediately.

"You came," she said.

"I said I would. I was wondering about you, though." He pulled the scarf down, revealing the face of Ben Solo. He looked somehow different from the angry and torn man she knew. His eyes were bright and his hair hung freely around his face. Snowflakes lit on the slope of his cheek. Rey's heart pounded hard in her chest and she gripped the hilt of her staff tighter. Neither spoke for several seconds, obviously waiting for the other to act. This could all end in a nasty duel right now.

"You can stop holding on to that staff for dear life," he said finally. Stepping back, he opened his coat and held his arms out. "I'm unarmed."

"Oh, I think if you decided to kill me, you wouldn't need a lightsaber."

"Likewise," he said with an exaggerated bow. "Come on. You must be freezing."

Before she could respond, he pulled his coat off and handed it to her. Rey didn't hesitate, pulling it around her shoulders and wrapping it around her body. It was enormous and swallowed her up, but immediately her body stopped shivering. She tried very hard not to notice the scent of him that lingered in its folds.

"Thank you," she said.

He nodded and turned, walking away from the hangar and expecting that she would follow. Rey took a deep breath. Once she followed, there was no turning back. She looked over her shoulder at the Nubian and suddenly the failsafe button seemed very heavy against her thigh. If this was a trick and he killed her, one look in the travelogue would lead him and the First Order back to the new resistance base. Rey wasn't going to let that happen. She'd rigged the ship with enough explosives to wipe out the ship and most of this quadrant of the planet with the touch of a button should things go badly.

After what seemed an eternal, brisk walk through the country, they arrived at a land speeder. It was sleek, black monstrosity unlike anything Rey had ever seen. "You really should have dressed better," Ben said, taking her bag and hoisting it into a compartment at the back.

"You didn't exactly give me a weather report."

"Anything in that bag that might keep you warm?"

"All my clothes are like these."

Ben shook his head and swung one of his long legs over the seat. "This will be a cold ride, then."

He offered his hand and Rey just stared at it. "I'm not getting on that thing."

"Then how are you going to get to the house?"

"I don't know, but I'm not getting on that… deathtrap."

Ben sighed and leaned on the handlebars. "You frequently ride in the Millennium Falcon, a ship that's basically only held together by a series of bare wires. It was ancient the first time I saw it at age three. So why in the world would you be afraid of a speeder?"

"I'm not afraid!"

"Really? Because you seem afraid."

"Maybe I'm just unsure about going anywhere with you."

"Look, you've come this far. If I was going to kill you, I could have done it already. And I'll drive slow." Ben held out his hand again. His eyes were so reassuring. There was no threat there, only a plea for her trust. And trust was not something Rey easily parted with. A stiff breeze of frigid air helped her make the decision to take his hand and let him help her up onto the seat behind him.

"What… I don't know… where do I put my feet?"

"Just… there…" Rey's foot slipped and the speeder's engine raced. "Not there. The thing behind it. That…" Finally, he leaned over with a feline grace and grabbed her calf and moved her foot into position.

"I feel like I'm going to fall off!"

"Just hold on, then."

"To what?"

Before he could answer, his foot hit the pedal and the speeder jumped forward, forcing Rey to grab him around the waist.

They took off across the snowy plains, heading for the mountains ahead. Rey held onto Ben tightly, trying not to watch. The wind whipped at her cheeks and her fingers were already numb. She found herself burrowing closer to him, pressing her face against his shoulder in an attempt to get warm. He smelled divine, she noted. All leather and rain. It was a comforting scent and Rey could feel herself relaxing a little, despite the way he whipped in and out of turns.

The speeder raced cross-country until they came to the mouth of a trail that led high into the mountains. A light snow had begun to fall and the trees were covered in a veil of white. It reminded her so much of their duel in the forest. The first time she'd felt the connection between them. This time, at least, she wasn't terrified. Mostly. There was something else though. An awe of the natural beauty that she hadn't been able to notice before. The snow fell in soft flakes that lit on her nose and cheeks and peppered Ben's mane of black hair.

Just as Rey was convinced that she would freeze to death on the back of Ben's speeder, they came to a halt in front of a small cottage. The place, fashioned from enormous logs, looked rustic, but warm sitting amongst the snow-covered cedar trees. "Is this it?" Rey asked, leaning on Ben's arm as she dismounted clumsily.

"Don't sound so impressed," he said.

"No, it's beautiful. It just doesn't seem like a place where… you know… you…"

Ben gave her a sideways glance. "I wasn't born in a starship you know."

"Well of course not, but…"

"That's the trouble with you. Everything is so black and white. You assume that I'm this evil being that doesn't have a home. I only exist to be the antagonist in your story. Lesson number one—nothing is ever that cut and dry."

"So this is where you… live? I mean, when you aren't blowing up planets or making small children cry."

"Not really, no," he said, ignoring her sarcasm. "In fact, I've only been here twice in my life. It belonged to my father." He hoisted her bag over his shoulder and started up the steps leading to the door.

"Your father? Really?"

Ben nodded. "He won it gambling. My mother hated it and refused to ever come here. She said it was tacky and built with blood money. So, it's been sitting here empty. She probably doesn't even remember it exists. But it's out of the way. Nobody will know we're here, so you can relax."

Ben shoved the door open with his shoulder and walked inside. Rey followed, her eyes everywhere. The smell of cedar and woodsmoke hung heavily. The cottage had seemed small from the outside, but inside it was anything but. The ground floor was palatial and completely open. A fireplace dominated one side of the room and a fire was already blazing.

"A common room here with seating and an indefinite fire. The kitchen is through there," he said, pulling off his scarf and tossing it aside. "There's some local food that's fresh, but there's also a synthesiszer. You're welcome, by the way. The food here is not the best."

Rey followed him through the house as he pointed out various points of interest. It was like some kind of weird dream. She couldn't believe that she'd agreed to come here in the first place, much less that she was following Kylo Ren, the Jedi Killer, around like a lost puppy.

"I'm giving you the bedchamber. There's only one."

"What?" Rey's head whipped around and her staff slipped from her grasp. It hit the floor with a thud and rolled toward the fireplace.

"There's only one bedroom. I'll stay in the loft upstairs by the training hall. I don't sleep much anyway." He opened the door to the aforementioned bedchamber and stepped aside, ushering Rey inside.

The room was massive. She hadn't realized that bedchambers could be so large. So much room to call your own. A fluffy, round bed lay in the middle. It seemed so inviting with its numerous pillows and blankets that were strewn haphazardly across it. Another fireplace stood blazing on one side of the room. "Wow… I don't… I don't need all this…"

"I realize that you're more suited to sleeping on a pile of rags, but the appropriate response is 'thank you.'"

"Yes," she said. "Of course. Thank you. It looks comfortable."

"There's a refresher there with a sanisteam, but if you prefer a bath with water…" He pulled open a set of doors to the side of the bed that led to a small patio. "There's a natural hot spring off the patio. Don't worry about being seen. There isn't anyone around for miles."

Rey wasn't sure if she should be threatened or relieved, but she smiled just the same. "That's good, I guess."

"There are a few things in the closet that might be more appropriate for the weather, but that's up to you, obviously."

"Obviously."

The two stood there staring at one another for several seconds before Ben awkwardly cleared his throat. "I'll uhm… just let you rest for a while."

Rey nodded. She watched as he walked away. Even in such a casual situation, he still walked like a soldier. Shoulders back, spine straight as a board. Did he ever relax? Rey wondered what that would be like. To see him when he was sleeping or caught unawares. She didn't want to admit to herself how many times she'd thought of him, lying back into his bed. The blanket dancing dangerously low on his hips. His chest moving up and down with every breath.

"Ugh," Rey groaned. She shook her head hard, hoping to dislodge the thoughts that were tumbling around in her weary brain. "Sleep. Just a little sleep," she whispered, falling down across the bed.

 **OoOoOo**

A clatter woke Rey with a start. She sat up on the bed and scrubbed the sleep out of her eyes. The low light coming from the windows betrayed the sunset. How long had she slept? It had been a really good sleep. Better than she'd had in well… ever. Rey thought it was strange that she felt so safe here, but maybe just this once she could thank the gods for small favors.

The clattering sound happened again and Rey figured she had better get up to investigate. She wandered from the bedchamber and through the house, finding nothing. She looked up to the training room above and there was no sign of Ben there either. "Maybe outside," she said to herself. Walking back into the bedchamber, she went to the doors that would lead out onto the patio. There she noticed a couple of piles of snowdrift lying on the wooden planks. Evidently snow had been falling from the steep eaves of the house and landing on the patio.

Rey squatted down and brushed her fingers through the powdery, white substance. It was so cold. She smiled, enjoying the texture as she rubbed it between her fingertips, watching it melt almost instantly. She picked up another handful and brought it to her lips, tasting. It was like the coolest, freshest water she'd ever had. In Jakku, you just got used to your drinking water being grainy. And on the various ships she'd resided on since, the water was recycled and filtered so much that it tasted like a cocktail of chemicals.

She was about to scoop another handful of snow into her mouth when she heard a splash. She dropped the snow and crept around the side of the patio. When she peeked around the corner, she saw the steamy hot spring and Ben Solo diving under the water.

Rey gasped and turned around, hiding her face behind the corner of the cottage. Her heart leapt into the back of her throat and she bit down on her lip hard enough to draw blood. He was out there bathing. Naked. As in, the only thing keeping him from being completely exposed was a few wisps of steam. Her first instinct was to run inside and pretend like she hadn't seen a thing. But there was another instinct, dark and primal, that wanted to stay right there.

She slid down the wall to her knees and peeked around the corner, peering out of one eye. Ben was either completely unaware, or he was doing a great job of pretending. He ducked down under the water again and came up, brushing his hair away from his face. Wet, it almost hung below his shoulders and was so black, it looked like obsidian shining in the dying light. The faint, red line of a scar followed the contour of his shoulder. Her eyes followed it down to where the long, lean musculature of his side was evident under the pale skin. The muscles in his arm and along his back contracted with every movement as he scrubbed at his hair and face. It was beautiful. When he stood up, the water fell just below his hip. She could see a gentle line that crossed over the hip and drew her eye further down. If he turned around now, she was sure that something would pop in her brain and she'd drop dead right here on the patio.

"Wow," she whispered.

He dove under the water once more and swam to the shore. Startled, she edged backward and lost her balance, sitting down hard on the floor. "Ow… damn…" she hissed, crawling back toward the bedchamber.

 **OoOoOo**

By the time Rey had the courage to come out of her room, it was well past dark. Ben was sitting at the table eating and flipping through digital screens on a datapad. "I was wondering how long you were going to sleep," he said absently when she sat down.

"Sorry," she said.

"It's fine. I thought you would probably be out for a while. Eat something. You'll need your strength." He nodded toward plates of food sitting on the table. None of it was anything that Rey could really identify, but it smelled wonderful. Much better than the tasteless rations that she'd eaten most of her life.

Rey sat at the table opposite her host. He didn't look up or attempt to make conversation and that was probably a blessing. After seeing him bathe before, she wasn't sure she could look him in the eye. Using her hands, she scooped food into her plate and began shoveling it into her mouth. Her eyes fluttered with the new flavors. She couldn't seem to get enough of it and she ate without pause for several minutes.

"You know, the only thing separating us from animals is our ability to use utensils." Ben glanced in her direction and the fork at her side rose up in front of her.

"Oh… yeah…" she stammered. She grabbed the fork in her fist and stabbed it into the slab of meat on her plate. It picked it all up and Rey considered how she was supposed to eat such a big bite. She opened her mouth wide and attempted biting the side of the piece of meat. It was delicious and she kept taking little bites, juices dripping from her cheeks.

"Put it down," Ben growled. "Cut it with the knife and take small bites. Honestly, did no one ever teach you to eat properly?"

"Sorry," she said, her mouth full. "I'm used to eating rations in a cave."

"Well if you're going to eat with me, you have to learn to eat like a human rather than a marsh pig."

"Excuse me!" Rey exclaimed, starting to feel insulted. "My mother isn't a princess, so you'll have to excuse my manners."

"Your lack of manners, you mean."

"If I'd destroyed whole planets, I probably wouldn't be criticizing other people's manners."

"If I had Gorak juice dribbling down my chin, I wouldn't be worried about any of my past military actions."

"Military actions? Is that what you call it?"

"That's what they are," he said, his teeth gritted.

"Massacres. That's what they are!"

"You shouldn't speak about things of which you know so little."

Rey snorted. "Oh really? You can say whatever you like about military actions and necessary casualties, but I saw you, Ben Solo. I saw you strike down your own father…"

"Shut up," he said. He gripped the sides of the table hard, his eyes narrowing to fiery slits.

"Your own father who just wanted you to come home. He didn't care about your military actions. He just wanted his son back…"

"Shut your mouth."

"Because he loved you! And you killed him."

Suddenly the table between them exploded, sending splinters of wood and plates of food flying. Rey was thrown backward with the impact, slamming against a wooden beam.

"You don't know _anything_ about my father!" Ben roared. With a wave of his hand, a shelf of books at his side flew toward Rey. She ducked and they crashed to the floor beside her. "My father thought I was a freak from the moment I was born. Do you have any idea what that's like?" The light fixture overhead burst and sparks rained down around them as he stalked toward where she lay on the floor. "He left me because he couldn't stand to be in the same room with me."

"Ben… I'm sorry… I went too far…" Rey said, crawling backward.

"And my fantastic mother—the savior of the Republic? The only thing she ever cared about was being right. Her precious rebellion. Her resistance fighters that she cared more about than her own son." His fist crashed into the beam behind Rey, smashing through it. "They dumped me off on a religious zealot that tried to kill me while I slept. Where was I supposed to go, Rey?"

Rey cowered on the floor beneath him, terrified beyond all rational thought. "I… I'm sorry…"

"You keep telling me to go back. To turn to the light. Don't you understand that I can't go back? I don't have anything to go back to!"


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thank you guys! You're such bad influences, but I love writing a good sci-fi romance. I really appreciate all the reviews. Keep 'em coming. They feed my muse.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 **OoOoOo**

 _"_ _Don't know how to be so close to someone so distant."—"Dynasty," MIIA_

 **OoOoOo**

 _Rey screamed as the blade crashed down, cleaving a deep gash the length of her spine. She rolled over, just out of his reach before he could deliver a killing blow. She blocked out the pain, catching the hilt of his lightsaber with her staff. With a turn of her wrist, she deflected his strength. It caught him off guard and the saber flew to the side._

 _The knight howled in frustration, grabbing her staff. He took control easily. Rey could feel her wrist breaking as he sapped her strength. Finally, the staff snapped and he threw it aside._

 _"_ _Stop," she gasped. "Please."_

 _But he wouldn't. He grabbed her by the shoulders, bringing her body to his. He growled in her face like a vicious animal. She could smell the musk of his body, mixed with the coppery scent of her own blood. She couldn't see his face, only those eyes, burning like the fire of his lightsaber._

 _"_ _I will destroy you."_

 **OoOoOoOo**

Rey woke with a star, sitting straight up in bed. She was covered in sweat and her breath came in heaving gasps. Another second or two and she'd have been screaming. She used the sheet crumpled in her hand to mop at her brow. At first she was a bit disoriented. The only light was from the fire, and the clean, woodsy scent was very different than the sterile, metallic smell of the base or a starship.

"I'm sorry."

Rey screamed as Ben stepped out of the shadows. She backed away from him and fell over the end of the bed. "What are you doing?" she shrieked. "And why are you in here? I'm sleeping!"

He took a step toward her, but Rey cowered in the corner of the bed.

"Just… let me explain."

"There's nothing to explain," she said. "Pile of books, my head. Shattered pole, my head."

"Look, I've been standing here for hours, waiting for you to wake up. You can at least let me apologize."

"You've been watching me sleep?" Rey pulled the blanket over herself. "That's not creepy at all."

"I didn't want to scare you."

"Well good job."

"Look, I know that my behavior was… not the best. I didn't mean to scare you."

Rey shook her head. She wasn't having any of his smooth talking. Those same sad eyes and over-confident, commanding way of speaking that had almost led to her ultimate downfall. It wasn't going to work this time. "I don't know why not. It's what you're best at. Scaring me."

"I don't want to scare you. You just made me so… angry. You make me feel all kinds of things that I'm not used to and don't want to feel." He rubbed his eyes and pushed his hands through his hair. Once more he looked like a shattered little boy. Damn him. "I know I'm not making any sense at all. I'm not very good at articulating."

"You articulated pretty well before," Rey said, turning up her nose. "Look, this may have been a huge mistake. On both our parts. Maybe it would be best if I left. Before we wind up killing each other."

"No," Ben said, whipping around and sitting beside her on the bed. "Please don't leave. I won't lose control again. I really do want to help you."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure," he said with a sigh. "Just, don't give up on me. Not you. Not yet."

The two of them sat in silence for several minutes, searching for words. Rey prayed that he would say something. Anything that might give her one reason to stay with him. That's all it would take. Just one reason.

Finally, Ben's voice broke the silence, low and rumbling. "You asked me why. Why I hated my father. Why I killed him."

"You never answered. Not a real answer anyway."

"I didn't hate him because I didn't really know him. My father was an experience that happened a handful of times in my whole life. He'd show up at random intervals, bring me some trinket from his travels, sleep with my mother, and then he was gone. Again. 'See ya around, kid.' Then after I started showing signs of being a Force sensitive, he was afraid of me. After that, the most I got was a wave and a holo-message on my birthday. It shouldn't have surprised me much. According to my mother, I had an extraordinary power. Everyone was afraid of me."

"Afraid of a little boy?"

"A little boy who could tell them their whole life story with a single touch. Who could see the darkness inside them that they tried so desperately to hide. A little boy who destroyed things when he was angry. I completely disintegrated a creche droid when I was made to go to bed once. I didn't lift a finger to touch it. Once, I was so sad when my mother left me for a diplomatic mission that it rained constantly until she returned. The floods almost destroyed the city."

"Surely a little boy's tears wouldn't cause all that," Rey said, laying a hand on his shoulder.

He looked up at her, his eyes full of memory. "Evidently, my mother didn't see it that way. I was sent to live with Luke a month later when she returned. I didn't know that I was to be trained as a Jedi. I had been bad and I didn't even understand how. Not that anyone tried to explain it."

"I'm sorry, Ben. I really am."

"Yes, well… I suppose we all got thrown away like garbage."

"I don't think they meant to throw you away," Rey said. "They want to make it right. You said you had no place to go back to, but you're so wrong. Your mother still loves you. She wants you to come home."

"My mother is an old woman, full of regret."

"Maybe she is," Rey said. "But one day you'll be old too. Do you want to be, as you say, full of regret?"

"I already am. All I have left to hold on to is the power, Rey. That's it. Snoke and the First Order took me in when everyone else threw me away. How can you expect me just to abandon everything I've known?"

"Because they're using you, Ben! They're using this great power inside of you to get what they want. Your strength. Your mind. They'll use you until you're utterly spent and then they'll discard you."

He turned to stare into her face. "Then I suppose I'll have to snuff them out first."

Suddenly, his eyes grew cold and for the first time, she could see the shade of Kylo Ren creeping back in. Even in his raging before, he had seemed more frightened and hurt than angry. This was his rage. She could feel it radiating off of him in heavy waves of heat. She could feel it in the taut muscle of his arm beneath her fingers.

"So much rage. So much hate." She reached up and laid a tentative hand against his cheek. She wasn't trying to exploit their bond, or draw out his thoughts. She just wanted to cool his ferocity. "If you don't let it go, it will destroy you."

"I don't know if I can," he said. His voice was barely a whisper. "Or if I even want to. It's kept me alive this long."

"Don't you see, idiot? You're so much more than this. All this training and so many battles, but you could be so much more."

Rey was trembling now, but it wasn't fear. It was something else. Something darker. She'd felt it before when she watched him bathing. Truth be told, she'd felt it every second she'd been in his presence since he'd held her captive at the Starkiller Base. A shuddering, viscous warmth that she could no longer deny. He must have felt it too because before she could stop herself again, his mouth captured hers in a forceful kiss.

Rey's first instinct was to push him away. She was not accustomed to being touched affectionately. Especially by one who should have been her enemy. But his body was warm and inviting, and the longer they kissed, the further into his embrace she fell. Funny, she didn't know what to do, but that same Force that had guided her hand with a lightsaber was now showing her body what to do. She relaxed against him, breathing him in.

He caressed her lower lip between his, nipping at it gently, then swiping his tongue along the crease of her mouth. The sensation was so odd, but Rey desperately wanted to feel it again. She mimicked his actions, pulling his full lip between her teeth. She recognized his taste. It had been in her dreams so many times. Rey closed her eyes, letting the kiss go on and on. That connection that had been so nebulous before was growing. Like they were bound to one another with an invisible rope. In her mind, Rey knew this was wrong, but her heart had never felt so right. Ben was the piece of her that she'd been missing.

"No," he hissed, pulling back. "No. This isn't right."

"It's okay," she said, panting. "It's fine."

"No. There's something… this doesn't feel…normal."

Rey giggled. "I don't think there's anything about any of this that's normal."

Ben ignored her and got up, shaking his head as he paced, like he was trying to shake these emotions out of his mind. "I shouldn't have done that. It isn't why I brought you here."

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. Just… go to sleep."

Rey laughed. "You expect me to just to sleep after that?"

Ben stopped and turned, raising his hand. "Sleep."

And she did.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I'm warning you now, this one is a bit of a cliffhanger ending. Not because I don't know what's going to happen, but because the chapter was getting too long. I hope you enjoy it anyway and trust me that the next chapter will come pretty quick. Again, thank you so much for all your comments. They are great food for my muse!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 **OoOoOoOo**

If there hadn't been a clap of thunder that shook the cottage, Rey probably would have slept through the dawn. Her head was cloudy. She didn't remember much about the night before, only that she and Ben had fought about something, and he'd come in to apologize. After that it was cloudy. "Gods," she groaned, rubbing her eyes. "I feel like I've been sleeping for days."

She rose from the bed and went to the small cabinet. Her bag that contained her clothes was missing, but there were several outfits to choose from hanging up. She grabbed the first thing and began to dress. The gray pants fit tightly to her body, but they were surprisingly flexible. The shirt was the same, with an oversized neckline that was ragged, looking like it had been torn out to fit her. She fastened her utility belt around her waist and put her hair up in a tight bun that would keep it out of her face. She assumed there would be some kind of physical activity and she wanted to be ready.

"No shoes," she said to herself, looking down at the clunky monstrosities she'd been wearing. Rey hated shoes.

She was about to splash a bit of water on her face when a droid shoved open the door and rolled in. It gave an annoyed series of beeps, and then began going around the room picking up her discarded clothes. "Oh… wow. Thanks."

The droid seemed a bit insulted by her presence, so Rey made her way out to the common room. There was food sitting on the table, but no Ben. Then she heard some commotion upstairs and looked up. The gallery overhead was open and she could see into the training room. Ben stood there with his lightsaber in his hand. A sleek, humanoid droid stood before him, also wielding a saber. The droid advanced on him, attacking with a graceful lunge. Ben parried, recovering easily and attacking with a ferocious riposte. The droid tried to get away, but despite its speed and inhuman agility, Ben's attack was relentless. He beat the droid's saber over and over, driving it into the wall behind. He raised the sword again, ready to slash the droid in two.

"Ben!" Rey called.

He immediately backed off, powering off his lightsaber. "You're awake."

"How many droids do you go through?"

Ben grabbed a towel from the railing and wiped at his forehead. "In a day?"

"Wow," Rey whispered.

"Come up here," he called.

Rey wasn't sure she wanted to. She'd fought against him only once and it wasn't an experience she cared to relive. "Uh… ok." She started up the stairs slowly, wondering what she'd gotten herself into now. "I thought we'd be mostly… hypothetically…" She stepped over a robotic looking arm as she reached the top of the stairs.

"Swordplay is one of the most important bits of your training."

"I thought I was pretty good," Rey said. "Given that I'd never used one before."

Ben shrugged. "You were adequate, I suppose. But your technique was lacking. With those Praetorian guards, you looked like you were chopping down a tree."

"Hey!"

"I'm just being honest. And what you lacked in technique, you made up for in enthusiasm."

"Thanks!" Rey said with a bright smile.

"But don't get cocky. If those guards had been smart, they'd have ganged up on you. Your movements were sloppy and when outnumbered, you panicked. You have to be prepared to take on several at once."

"I did."

"Yes, and you almost got yourself killed at least three times that I counted."

"How do you know? From what I remember, you were pretty busy yourself."

"That's another thing. You have to learn to focus on more than one thing at a time." He reached down and grabbed her staff, tossing it to her. "Reflexes aren't for shit if you just start swinging wildly. You have to let go. Trust The Force."

Rey watched as he placed his lightsaber on a sidetable and went toward a cabinet full of other weapons. She liked watching him walk. The way he carried himself was intimidating, but the more she watched she realized that it was really a strange shyness. He kept his head down and walked with a forceful quick pace, making it obvious that his height was a source of anxiety for him.

He chose a staff similar to Rey's. For a moment, she feared that it was going to be a lightsaber version and she had already started planning her own valiant death. But no, just a simple, carved wooden stick.

At once, Rey saw that this was going to be a problem. Ben would have to get on his knees to spar with her. She pictured him grabbing the end of her staff and dangling her over the ground. "There's no way I'll be able to best you."

"You think?"

"Well… no. I mean, look how much bigger your staff is." Rey didn't know why, but the words made her blush.

"Unfortunately, your opponent won't likely submit to a height restriction before coming after you. But if you think that's unfair, turn around."

"What?" She stared at him, not sure she trusted him enough to turn her back.

"Just turn around. And close your eyes."

Slowly she obeyed, waiting for him to crack the staff across her back or something. Instead, she felt a piece of fabric being stretched over her eyes. "What? What is this?" she said, starting to panic a little.

"It's a blindfold," he said simply, as if that explained anything.

"Stop!" she exclaimed, clawing at the fabric.

He playfully smacked her hand away. "It will be fine."

"No! Ben, how am I supposed to fight this way?"

He knotted the blindfold behind her head and turned her body around again. "Trust The Force."

As soon as he stepped away, Rey took an attack stance. Because she couldn't see, all of her senses were heightened. She could hear his feet on the floor. She could smell his sweat and the spicy scent of his hair. And then, just underneath like a dull throb, the air around him changed. She could feel it, a distinct heat that moved around her in waves. It made the tiny hairs on the back of her neck stand up. It was the same sensation she'd had when they had spoken via The Force, but so much stronger. The more she focused, the more that the amorphous shapes that flickered in the dark behind the blindfold began to take shape. As if her brain was taking that sensory information and molding it into a picture. When he attacked, she was ready and blocked his blow, deflecting it easily. He lunged again, this time smacking the staff so hard that she nearly stumbled.

"Put your feet apart," he said, smacking her ankle with the end of the staff. "It makes you more stable." He struck again, but this time she was ready and withstood the blow. "See?"

"Perfect," she said. With a mischievous grin she twirled the staff in her hand and lunged forward. Their weapons connected with a satisfying crack. She started to feel confident and dealt several blows, but he deflected them quickly, backing up. When they reached the wall, he pushed back. He wasn't holding anything back this time and attacked over and over and over. Rey could feel the bones in her wrists rattle with every hit.

"Straighten your wrist!" he shouted, stabbing downward between her side and arm. He used the end of his staff to slide under hers, rolling backward and nearly breaking her wrist.

"Ow!" she screamed, dropping the staff and rubbing her wrist.

"Ow? That's all you can say? Congratulations, you're dead."

"You didn't have to break my wrist!"

"It isn't broken. I'm aware of how to break people. Get up."

Rey scrambled to her feet, straightening the blindfold and picking up her staff. This time she didn't circle him, but attacked with a renewed ferocity. He ducked backward as she lunged, driving the end of the staff toward the ground. He used the opportunity to whack her across the back and she fell forward.

"Oof…"

"Stop trying to hit me and hit me."

She stood up and swung hard. She connected with his staff with a loud _crack_ and felt her own splintering with the impetus. He took a step backward and Rey went sprawling at his feet.

"Stop it, Rey! You're better than this. You bested me in the forest, why is now so much harder?"

"I don't know," she whimpered.

"Because it doesn't matter. You know I'm not going to hurt you this time. Fuck all that 'reach out with your feelings' garbage. What does that even mean? Get angry!" He struck her hand with the end of the staff as she tried to reach for her weapon.

"Stop it."

"No," he said, nonchalantly and hit her again.

"Stop!"

"You want me to stop? Then make me." She started to get up, but his staff smacked behind her knees and she went down again. "Get up."

This time she rolled backward and slashed out with the staff. It slid between his feet easily and she pushed to one side, making him stumble. It provided the perfect opportunity to bring the staff up hard against his crotch. He doubled over and Rey kicked him in the face hard enough to throw him backward.

"Like that?" she said, standing over him.

"Yeah," he croaked. "Just like that."

 **OoOoOo**

Rey sat on the couch, still as a stone. Her eyes were closed and she was trying desperately to ignore the throbbing pain that was… well… everywhere. Every time she moved, her back screamed. She'd been afraid to look in the mirror when she came out of the fresher, given the angry splotches all over the rest of her. After the day's sparring, Rey felt that her entire body was a giant purple bruise, and despite her cheap shot at Ben's most vulnerable spot, he was barely affected. In fact, while she'd been standing under the hot steam in the fresher, praying for death or shock, he'd gone for a run. So of course, she couldn't let him know how much pain she'd been in all day.

With a deep breath, she closed her eyes and focused on The Force. She'd heard stories that it could heal the body if you meditated, but so far it wasn't working.

"Are you hungry?"

Rey opened her eyes to see Ben standing over her with a plate of food. "Not really," she said through gritted teeth. She shifted on the couch and gasped as a sharp pain stabbed her in the spine.

"What's the matter?" he asked, sitting beside her. His weight bounced the cushion and Rey winced. "Don't like leftover gorak steaks?"

"It's fine," she said. "I'm just not hungry."

"Suit yourself," he said. She watched him eat for a few minutes, marveling. He'd given her static about not eating properly, but even with a fork he ate like a savage. He went at his food the same way he went at battles—aggressively. And he just kept eating and eating like he hadn't had any food in weeks. "You know, you should eat something," he said finally. "You expended a lot of energy before."

"Please don't worry about it," she said, her voice quavering. "I'll be okay."

Ben set his plate on the table at his side and leaned back, staring at her. For ages, Rey felt. She didn't feel the shudder that signaled an intrusion on her mind. It was like he was studying her. They sat this way, Rey feeling more and more uncomfortable until he stood up. "Stand up."

"Why?"

"Because I asked you to. Stand up." He made a hurrying gesture.

Rey bit down on her lip, holding her breath as she tried to bend her body as little as possible to get up. She could feel tears stinging her eyes, but she was determined not to let him see how much she was hurting.

"Turn around."

She did and gasped. This time not with pain, but surprise as he pulled the back of her tunic up. "Gods, Rey," he whispered.

"It's fine," she said. "It doesn't hurt."

"You are such a terrible liar. Don't ever be a spy for the resistance."

"Can you please put my shirt down now?" The tips of his fingers brushed gently down her spine. "And please don't touch me."

He ignored her and pulled up the loose sleeve and saw that her arms were also black and blue. "You have to stop running into my stick."

"Funny."

He dropped her tunic. "Come with me."

"Where are we going?"

"Just come with me." He took her hand and started toward the bedroom. She stared at his hand holding hers. She hated when people held her hand, but when Ben held it she didn't seem to mind. He led her through the bedroom, bypassing the refresher and its medicine cabinet and continuing out the patio door.

Rey could see her breath as Ben led her down the steps toward the hot spring that lay steaming in the middle of a snowbank. The loose tunic and pants she'd managed to get herself into after the sanisteam were hardly up to the freezing cold. She immediately began to shiver, which only made her wince in pain again. At times like these she was reminded that she'd lived most of her life on a desert planet that was hot and arid. Rey simply couldn't take the cold.

"Take your clothes off," he said, kicking his shoes off.

"What? No!"

"Don't be a child. I won't look if you won't." She could only stand there, her mouth hanging agape as he pulled his own tunic over his head. Rey was somewhat satisfied to see that he did have a few bruises of his own. And then he was pushing his pants down over the blunt plane of his hip. Rey's hand immediately went over her eyes and she swallowed a small sound. Other than her spying, she'd never seen a naked man before. Not even on Jakku where the standards of modesty were somewhat different. Not even in the medical bay at various bases. Truth be told, she wasn't that used to seeing herself naked.

But curiosity killed the cat.

Rey peered through her fingers as Ben stepped out of his pants and threw them aside. He didn't seem to be embarrassed in the slightest. In fact, when he stretched, he even looked proud. Not that he shouldn't be. His body was what she'd heard defined as a 'perfect male specimen.' "If he turns around right now, I'm going to die," she murmured to herself. Secretly, she hoped he would.

"Come on," he urged, stepping down into the water. "You can leave your underclothes on if it helps."

Rey took a deep breath and started over to the edge of the spring. When she opened her eyes, he was standing in the water, waist-deep. She didn't allow herself to look to closely past the steam.

Her hands trembled as she started pulling the tunic over her head. Her fear coupled with the pain of moving her shoulders made disrobing all the more uncomfortable. He stood there in the water, his head turned away, but she could tell he was losing patience. Finally, she kicked her pants aside and stood there, shivering in her underclothes. Her belly and legs broke out in goosebumps. Her breasts ached as the cold set in, turning her nipples to tiny rocks under the thin fabric.

"Come down into the water with me," he said. This time his voice wasn't commanding. It was almost warm. Persuasive even. He knew she was scared and was trying to help in his own way. "The sooner you get in, the sooner you'll be warm."

"I… I don't… uhm… swim. I don't swim."

"I thought you told me that you went to the ancient temple. If memory serves, you have to swim to get there."

"Well, I kind of just… fell in the hole. I nearly drowned, flailing around until I found a rock to hold on to. It wasn't a shining moment of agility."

"I think you're probably being modest. But don't worry. You can stand up."

" _You_ can stand up," Rey said.

Ben smiled. "I promise. And I won't let you drown."

Rey sighed and walked slowly toward the edge of the spring. She stepped into it and gasped at the sudden heat. "Oooh!" she exclaimed, pulling her foot up. "It's hot."

"That would be why it's called a hot spring. Keep coming." He held out his hand and she took it, stepping carefully over the smooth stones on the bottom. He led her further into the water until she was in the middle with the water nearly to her throat.

"See, it's deep. Is this supposed to be helping my pain?"

"Somewhat. But this will help more." He opened his hand and showed Rey a small package of green powder. He opened it and sprinkled the powder into the water where it immediately bubbled up. The scent was light and similar to the trees around them. The bubbles were tiny and tickly. They seemed to be attracted to their bodies and surrounded them rather than dissipating.

"What is this?"

"It's an herb that grows here. On lots of cold planets. It gets into the muscles and relaxes them and heals the bruises. When it's done, the bubbles evaporate, leaving the water clean."

"Neat trick."

"I've never actually used it in a hot spring before, but it seems to be working." He held up his arm and Rey could see the bubbles swirling around a particularly nasty bruise. "Come here." Rey took a step closer to him. "Don't look so scared. I could have killed you in your sleep ages ago if I wanted to hurt you."

"I'm not sure that's a good measure of trust."

He dunked down in the water and grabbed Rey around the waist. "What are you doing?" she shrieked.

"Just relax. Lie back."

"Why?"

"Why do you have to ask so many questions?"

She did not like this feeling of her feet being off the ground and she flailed, trying to regain some semblance of control. Her thrashing nearly capsized both of them. "Just… Rey… stop. I've got you."

"No you don't!" she said, her head going under the water. She squealed and reached for him, throwing her arm around his neck to keep from going under again.

"Just relax," he said, obviously trying not to laugh. "I've got you. I'm not going to let you go. Just lie back."

"On what?"

"On the water. Float." He managed to get her situated in his arms where her head rested on his shoulder and her body floated to the surface in front of her. His arms were under her back, supporting her weight. "There. Like that."

"Don't drop me," she said.

"I'm not going to drop you. Even if I did, just put your feet down."

"I don't like this."

"I don't care. Your back looks like a road map of Coruscant. The medicine needs to be able to get to it. So just shush and trust me."

"I can't trust you."

"Why not?"

"You're the Supreme Leader of the First Order. How can I trust you?"

"I thought we weren't going to do this. I thought we were going to pretend that you're just Rey, a scavenger from Jakku and I'm just…Ben Solo."

"Does it bother you so much to say your own name?"

"It doesn't even feel like my name anymore."

Rey paused, not sure what to say, and then, "I like you better as Ben Solo. You're all the things I liked about your father, you know."

"It isn't intentional."

Rey decided she was skirting dangerously close to a topic that would make them argue. "So you've told me about all these horrible childhood memories. Was there ever a time you were happy?"

"Sure."

Rey waited for him to elaborate, finally relaxing as the pain in her back subsided. "And…"

"And what? I'm sure there was a time when I was happy."

"Well go on, then. Tell me about it." She arched her neck, looking up at him. "Tell me a story, Daddy."

"Don't be ridiculous."

She giggled, satisfied that she'd made him blush. "Come on. I did what you asked. Your turn."

Ben sighed and shook his head, knowing she wasn't going to let this go. "When I was five, my parents took me with them on some diplomatic trip. Which was pretty surprising. They usually left me at home being taken care of by creche droids. I don't even remember what the planet was, but they had the most beautiful horses. They were this really odd color that shifted between gold and silver in the sun. And huge."

"Are you sure they were horses?"

He glared down at her with such disgust that she couldn't help laughing. "Anyway, I remember I wanted so badly to ride one of them. So my father put me in the saddle with him and we took off across this field. I still remember how the wind felt against my face. I remember shouting, 'Faster, Da. Faster.' Finally, he wanted to slow us down and he pulled up on the reins. The horse reared back and threw him off, but I held on."

"Oh no! Did you get hurt?"

Ben shook his head. "I rode the horse all the way to the mountain. We went so far that I didn't come back until it was dark. My mother was so angry. The man who owned the horse was so furious that the next day he was going to sell him to a racing track owner, which would have been terrible. They run those poor animals to death. I remember, I begged my mother to buy the horse. I was so angry that the man was blaming the horse for something that had clearly been my fault. The horse was just doing what I told him. So I ran to the stables and I set the horse free. I didn't know how I did it at the time, but I told the horse to run and he understood me."

"Wow. Did they ever find the horse?"

"No. My father found out what I'd done. He was so angry that he started to hit me, but I slipped away from him and ran. He tried to follow me, but there was a storm. The lightning hit a tree and knocked a branch from the tree. It fell, narrowly missing him."

"You did that?"

Ben shrugged. "I'm not sure. I guess they thought so because that's when they started acting like I was some kind of monster. My father never took me on a trip again. Two years later I was sent to live with Luke."

"Wow, Ben. I thought you were going to tell me a happy story."

"It was a happy story. Up to a point, anyway. It ended well for the horse."

Suddenly, Rey felt something large and slippery rush past her ankle. She gasped. "What was that?"

"What?"

"Something just moved past my leg!"

"I'm sure it's nothing."

Then it brushed her leg again. This time, Rey panicked, thrashing around in the water. "Get it off me! Get it out!" Her feet slipped over the rocks below and she went under the water in all her flailing. She grabbed Ben, wrapping her arms and legs around him in an attempt to climb above the water line.

"Stop, Rey!" he laughed. "It's nothing."

"It's a sea monster!"

"It's a fish. Granted, a strange fish that likes hot water. But it's a fish. Calm down."

She looked into his face, suddenly realizing that her body was wrapped around his. His eyes were not made of fire, but soft and warm. Those generous lips were not set in a hard line, but curled with a slight smile playing at the corners.

Before she could stop herself, she was kissing him.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: This has taken forever, I know. But if it makes you feel any better, it's a pretty long and sexy chapter. Again, thank you for all the positive feedback. It's been a great help to me. I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 **OoOoOoOo**

Rey pulled back, breathing heavily with her heart pounding beneath her sternum. Suddenly, the night before came flooding back with vivid clarity. The memory was so solid it felt like a punch to the gut. The warmth of his body, the scent of his skin, the almost relieved exhale of some unseen entity.

"What is this?" she asked finally. "I don't know why that keeps happening."

He did not reply, but pulled her close and returned her kiss with a new ferocity. There was no hesitation, only clear intent. His arms wound around her waist and held her tight against his body. Rey marveled at the contrast—his body a complicated landscape of stone and hers so round and soft. She carded her fingertips through his hair, pushing it away from the dark pools of his eyes. The fire she feared had dimmed to a warm glow.

"It doesn't matter why," he whispered, lazily brushing his lips against hers. "Something is pulling us together and it's very persistent."

Rey brushed her cheek against his. It was so rough. She wondered what it would feel like against other, more sensitive places. Places that she had tentatively slid her fingers over in the dead of night. Those times when she'd been so lonely she didn't think she could take one more minute of the silence. When she'd been desperate for the touch of another. When she was certain she was going to die alone on Jakku, gasping out her last in the sun, her lungs full of sand.

"You're so warm," she murmured. "I'm cold, but you're so warm."

Ben's tongue flickered over her lips, teasing her gently to let him inside. His taste was so familiar. She wanted more and she kissed him back. For a second she wondered how she knew what to do. This was all so alien, but so natural. She pulled his lower lip between her teeth and suckled it gently, drawing a small sound from him. He returned the favor. They battled for dominance. With every breath it felt as if he were drawing out a part of her soul. The sensation was so strange, but it made her shiver.

When Ben finally released her, Rey tightened her grip. She was so desperate to keep him near. "I can't let you go. Something is happening. Can you feel it too?"

He nodded, kissing her temple lightly. "Darkness descends…"

"And the light rises to meet it," she finished. "I think I knew it the first time I saw you, I just didn't want to admit it. You frightened me so."

"I would apologize, but admittedly I enjoyed frightening you."

"I'm not surprised," Rey said. "You appeared to be enjoying it."

Ben ducked under the water, getting his arms under her bottom and standing up. Rey squealed and giggled as he carried her from the hot spring toward the cottage. She wrapped her arms tight around his neck, slightly intimidated being out of control this way. She was struck by how much larger he was. She felt small and vulnerable, but also protected. Suddenly, it was as if the tremendous weight that she'd been carrying all her life was finally lifted.

When they reached the cottage, he set her down easily on the wooden plank floor. With barely a glance, he ignited the fire in the pit opposite the bed. It bathed the room in a warm orange glow. "That's a neat trick," Rey said, crossing her arms over her chest. Once inside, she'd become painfully aware of Ben's nakedness. He barely seemed to notice. When he turned around, Rey fixed her eyes on the floor.

"It doesn't come in handy very often," he said. Again, she winced under his gaze. He was studying her. She wondered if he was feeling the same swirling mish-mash of emotion she was. Confusion, fear, and something else beneath it that throbbed like an old wound. Something that Rey hadn't felt. It was visceral and wet. Deep and dark. "Feeling better now?"

"What?"

"Your bruising. Does it feel better now?"

"Oh," Rey said, stealing a glance in his direction as he started toward her. "Yeah… I mean, I guess. I can move."

"Can I see?"

She nodded, turning slowly. "I'm sure it's fine," she stammered. Her words trailed off when he touched her. Just lightly across her shoulder and then along her side where the bruising had been the worst. To Rey's surprise, it didn't hurt. Evidently, his herbal medicine had taken effect. "Does it still look bad?"

"No," he replied simply. "Faded, but probably still tender." He paused, his hand lingering on her skin. "I'm sorry, Rey."

"For what?"

"Everything. I just hurt you over and over. I can't seem to stop. I've done it so many times that you don't even know what for."

"We all have scars," she said. "You don't owe me an apology. You did what you thought you had to."

"Did I?"

"Didn't you?" she asked, looking back at him over her shoulder.

"I don't know anymore. I feel like I've been asleep for ages. Like some of my memories never happened at all. And some of the things I thought were nightmares… were real. I used to believe that my grandfather was speaking to me, and now I can't be sure." Grabbing her shoulder roughly, he pulled Rey around to face him. "I want to do what's right, but I don't know what that is anymore. Except you. I know you're right. That _this_ is right. I denied it for so long, but the Force tells me it's true. And I trust it." He paused and cupped her face in both of his hands, gazing down at her. He looked so sure and so desperate. "I can't escape it."

Rey was speechless. She hadn't expected this from him, and she still wasn't sure if she could trust him. But lie or truth, it didn't matter. She couldn't escape it either. The storm inside had broken, and it was too much to hold back any longer. She didn't have the strength or the desire. "I want to believe you," she whispered, so close to tears.

"Look inside me. Take whatever you want. I won't fight you." He knelt down before her, bowing his head. It was such an act of contrition. Submission. "Just stay with me, Rey. Don't let me go. I swear I'll never disappoint you again."

Rey brushed her fingers through his hair, tipping his head back. She stared down at him for a moment, searching his face for a sign of his intentions. When she closed her eyes, she could see his mind, his thoughts so clear. She saw light and darkness. The eyes of his father, the tears of his mother. Fear. Anger. Sadness. And then hope. She saw her own face, bathed in red light, tears lighting on her cheeks. _"Please don't go this way."_ She saw their hands touching. She saw them standing together, side by side.

Rey went down on her knees, wrapping her arms around his neck. He welcomed her into his arms, brushing wet strands of hair away from her face and kissing her soundly. Holding her tight, he stood up and swept her off her feet.

Their kiss was never broken as they sank into the bed. Rey acted on instinct, running her hands over his arms and across his chest. His body was a complicated landscape and she was eager to explore. He responded in kind, kissing his way across her cheek and down to the base of her throat. Lightly his teeth scraped at her skin and she broke out in goosebumps all over. The tips of his fingers played at the edge of the thin silk that covered her breasts. It was still wet from the spring and clung to her like a second skin. The more he kissed her, the more prominent her nipples became, so sore as they beaded. He slid his palm under the silk, cupping her breast gently. Rey gasped and arched her back, pressing her breast into his hand. It was almost an involuntary reaction, but it felt so good.

"Is this ok?" he whispered against the cuff of her ear. Rey smiled, amused that he would even ask. "Just tell me to stop."

"Please, Ben," she murmured, licking his lip as he drew near. "Don't stop."

Leaning closer, he traced the curve of her breast with the tip of his nose, then the swell of his lip. Rey could feel his breath, so warm against her skin. When he closed his mouth over the center, she moaned, arching into him and wanting more. He bit down through the thin fabric until she whimpered. He rose up and turned to the other breast. He traced the nipple with his tongue. The combination of the cloth and the warmth of his mouth created a delicious sensation. Rey couldn't believe that such a thing could even exist.

Rey closed her eyes. She could hear the Force whispering to her to let go and let things happen. This is the destiny she'd been waiting so long for. Just let it be.

When Ben nudged her to roll over, she obeyed without hesitation. He swept her hair away from the back of her neck and kissed there lightly. His fingertips slid along her spine and pulled at the cross strap that held the silk bodice to her chest. It slipped easily away from her body, exposing her breasts as she turned. She tensed and tried to cross her arms over her chest.

"Don't do that," Ben said, his tone at first terse, then softening. "Please." He took her wrist and pressed it to his lips before draping her arm over his shoulder.

"But I don't want you to see."

"Why not? I'm not hiding."

Rey blushed. He certainly wasn't. His own nakedness seemed of very little consequence to him. But Rey had scars, both inside and out, that she wasn't sure she was ready to expose.

"I just don't want you to see," she said, her voice a near whisper.

"What are you hiding?" Gently he took her hand. She only struggled a little as he pulled her arm back and pressed it against the pillow.

Rey turned her face away as he gazed over her. She couldn't bear to see his face when he saw. The raised, scorched flesh that ran alongside one breast and snaked over the curve and across the areola.

Ben ran his fingers tentatively over the ruined flesh, not speaking. Rey could feel tears burning in the corners of her eyes. She'd never been ashamed of it before. Her battle scars were nothing, but at this moment, they didn't feel like nothing. This scar marked her as a slave. It was evidence of that truth she hadn't wanted to admit to herself.

"When I was twelve," she started. "I think I was twelve, anyway. I lived with an Abednedo scavenger."

"You were his slave," Ben said matter of factly.

Rey nodded. "My parents owed him money. They owed everyone money. They sold me to him when I was barely six. When I was older, evidently he thought he could use me as…" She couldn't say it. The words were like bile in the back of her throat.

"As more than a scavenger," Ben finished for her.

"I fought him. He must have thought I was out of my mind. I just went crazy. He finally decided I wasn't worth the trouble, but not before he gave me that scar. He said that I'd always be his slave…" She choked on her tears. "That no one would ever want me. That no one would ever come for me. That I was hideous."

"You're ashamed of it. Why?"

Rey didn't answer, only looked away.

A tear ran over her cheek and Ben wiped it away gently, then kissed the silvery streak it left behind. "Scars make us stronger," he said. "Here." Taking her hand, he placed it against his side where a faint reminder of Chewie's bowcaster still remained. "And here." He let her fingers touch the faded line along his cheek. The scar she herself had made. "They're part of me and I'm grateful for them. They mean I'm still alive."

"Ben…" she murmured. "I'm so sorry."

He shook his head. "Don't be. You did what you felt you had to."

"You could have killed me that night," she mused, running the pad of her index finger over the narrow scar.

He chuckled. "You bested me."

"Only because I was lucky. And because you didn't want to hurt me." He didn't reply. "Why didn't you?"

He toyed with her fingers, kissing each of them in turn before clasping them in his larger hand. "I can't believe you don't know."

Rey started to speak, but the words died on her tongue as she realized what he was saying. "You… what do you mean?"

"Rey, I saw you coming from miles away. For years I've known you were there, waiting for me. As I've waited for you. After waiting so long, I couldn't bear to strike you down. I wasn't sure it was you, until that night… that night in my chambers. I suspected when I saw you in the forest on Takodana. But I wasn't sure until I looked into your mind. You're my equal in every way. The only person in the whole of the universe that might ever understand me because you are the same." He crawled over her body, hovering over her. "You and I are the same. You must know this."

Rey nodded. "I felt it. We're… balanced."

"My whole life, I've never felt like a whole person. Unfinished. I had all this power and I didn't know what to do with it. Luke said I lacked discipline. Snoke told me to fill that void with my anger and rage. But all this time it was you. Just you. When we fought together, I could see everything laid out like a map in my head. I could anticipate your every move. Could you?"

Rey nodded. "I could. As if we were one body."

Before she could stop herself, she pulled him close. As they kissed, she could feel herself surrendering to his will. To the will of the Force. Suddenly, nothing else mattered: the First Order, the rebellion, the light, the dark—none of it even existed. She arched into him as he suckled at her throat, then lower. He took first one nipple into his mouth, worrying it gently with his teeth until it felt swollen and sensitive, then the other. Rey slid her hands over his shoulders and along his spine, enjoying the feel of his muscles moving beneath his skin. She wanted to feel his flesh against hers. Everywhere.

Ben pulled away, sitting up on his knees. His expression was dark and his eyes warm. Those familiar flames inside them burned, but this time Rey didn't feel afraid. He was a feast for her eyes and she wanted to see all of him. She wouldn't hide her eyes like a ridiculous child. Her eyes followed the lines of his chest down to his navel. A scattering of dark hair pointed downward to the mysterious center of his masculinity. Rey's eyes widened as she stared, marveling at how different they were and somewhat afraid of such a crude weapon.

"Are you all right?" he asked, for the first time seeming self-conscious.

"I…" Rey stammered. "I just want to… see you." She felt her cheeks go up in flames, and was horrified to realize that a giggle was bubbling up from her throat. If she laughed, she'd die right here.

"So look," he said simply. "But turnabout is fair play." With that he reached down and pulled at her undergarment that still clung to her hips. It was a challenge that Rey was quick to rise to. He worked his hands under her bottom, raising her up so that he could finish disrobing her.

Once laid bare, Rey lay still beneath him. He moved her legs to either side of him and pulled her close until their bodies were pressed together. She was fighting the urge to cover herself, but savoring each sensation. The chill breeze that stroked her skin, the rough friction of his thighs under her backside, the throbbing at her center that matched every beat of her heart.

Ben's hands were slow and gentle as he slid them over her body. He studied her movements, memorizing every reaction to his touch. Rey had no idea how she was supposed to be, and let her body lead. The back of his hand brushed against her center and she gave an involuntary gasp. She started to pull away, not sure how to respond to such an intimate touch. Could she trust him? The thought of who he was still lurked in the back of her mind, and a little part of her was wary. But she couldn't deny this rush of feeling. Her blood pounded in her veins and she knew that no matter how uncertain this might be, she was going to go through with it. Her body wouldn't let her deny it this pleasure; this completeness.

When he touched her again, it was with clear intent. His palm rested over her center. He didn't move at all, letting her get used to the new sensation. But Rey was impatient and pressed against it. She was so terribly warm and wet, like her insides were melting and had collected at the junction of her thighs. He made slow circles with his palm, teasing her to play along. Rey closed her eyes and floated along on the wave of pleasure, trying not to move for fear he might stop. She gazed down at him and smiled. He was like a curious child. A stray lock of his hair fell over his eyes, hiding his expression, but his lips were parted slightly and she could feel his breath on her stomach. For once it was not calm and even, but shuddering and sharp.

Ben looked up and caught her staring. His eyes narrowed to angry slits as he began to crawl along her body. He left tiny kisses in his wake: along her belly, her chest, her throat, until finally he crushed her mouth against his own. Rey tried to wrap her arms around his shoulders, but he wouldn't allow it. He guided her arms to the pillow behind her head, holding them there as he nuzzled into her neck. His lips moved as if he were saying something, but Rey couldn't make it out. She was too busy concentrating on the weight of his body atop hers. He was so large and overpowering. Once more, she felt so small, but unafraid. She breathed him in, his scent a comfort. He smelled like home. Like the cool, crisp ocean that surrounded the island in her dreams. It suddenly occurred that she was the island, and he the sea encircling her.

Rey was not completely ignorant of sex. After all, a major military battle had been waged near her home on Jakku. Those flyboys had some literature stowed in their cockpits that had been pretty shocking to a young scavenger. So she was aware of the mechanics involved. She remembered thinking it looked like a strange and uncomfortable thing to do, but now that it was happening, she wasn't a bit afraid. Perhaps slightly nervous that there would be pain or that she wouldn't know what to do, but not afraid. And by the time she could feel him slipping inside, her desperation for him was enough to override any trepidation.

"Careful," he growled against her ear as she arched against him. "I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't care," Rey whimpered. "I want this." To reiterate her point, she threw her leg over his hip. "I want us."

His movements were slow and deliberate as he pressed his cock into her. He paused for a moment, searching her expression for any sign of pain. She opened her eyes and stared into his, silently reassuring him. When he moved again, Rey seethed, biting her lip. Sensations of pain and pleasure swirled over one another until she couldn't tell them apart. Such sweet agony as he filled her up and erased all those feelings of doubt and loneliness.

Their eyes locked as he began to move. It was obvious that he was holding back, and Rey was grateful. She could feel the raw power inside of him, even moreso now than when they fought. If he lost control, there was no telling what might happen. But he was more in control than Rey had ever seen him. He moved slow at first, each thrust seating him further inside. Each stroke drawing a gasp from Rey.

"Is this okay?" he whispered.

She answered by pushing back against him eagerly. The base of his cock ground against her center. The sensation overwhelmed her and she cried out. He started to pull back, but she tightened her grip around his waist. He took the hint and rolled his hips in slow circles. It drove his cock deeper and she arched up to meet him.

"Ben," she sighed. "Kiss me."

He obliged her, covering her mouth with his. His arms wound around her body and pulled her up hard. Keeping a tight grip, he pulled Rey up until they were sitting upright, face to face, her body perched atop him. The position forced him deeper inside and she whimpered. "I want to see you," he said, his voice taking on a gravely purr. Reaching down between them, his thumb found the center of her femininity. Just the tiniest nub of flesh, but it was the nexus of her pleasure. Over and over he brushed the pad of his thumb over it until Rey thought her entire body might fly apart. All the time she could feel his cock inside, pulsing with every beat of their hearts. Ben worked his hands under her bottom and moved her body up and down, finding a rhythm. The pleasure inside of her built and she could hear that distant voice whispering to her.

"Ben," she breathed against his ear. Her breath was coming in heavy gasps now. Her body was tense. "What's happening?" A wave of sensation like nothing she'd ever known washed over. This building tension that began to explode. It drew first a gasp, then a scream as the wave crested. Her sex pulsed so hard it took her breath and she grabbed on to him, holding him tight as if he were the only thing holding her to this world. He moaned into the curve of her throat. The sound was so primal, so sensual, that Rey felt it deep down.

Her nails clawed at his shoulder and he shoved her down on the bed once more. His strokes grew deeper and rough, erratic. Soon they were both screaming their release into the darkness until utterly spent.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Sorry this took so long, but thanks so much for hanging in there. I hope you enjoy! As always, I'm just borrowing characters.

 **OoOoOoOo**

 _"_ _I am an island, you are the ocean. We're so close we're touching, completely surrounded. But I cannot have you the way that I want to. Because I am an island. You are the ocean. I cannot have you. I cannot have you without drowning."_

 _"_ _I cannot love you without losing me."_

 _-"Island," Svrcina_

 **OoOoOoOo**

A clap of thunder woke Rey with a start. She opened one eye and stared around the room, for a moment forgetting where she was. The room was dark. No sun streamed through the doors or reflected off the stark white snow that covered the trees and mountains around them.

A small noise drew her gaze to where Ben lay beside her. He looked so docile lying there asleep. She imagined this is what he looked like as a child. So innocent and trusting. Rey didn't know what that was like. She'd been forced to accept harsh realities at an early age.

He lay on his stomach, the sheet tangled around his lower half leaving one long, muscular leg exposed. His black hair fanned out over the pillow and spilled over his brow, obscuring one eye. She was struck once more with his strange beauty. Here when he was still, Rey could see the shade of Leia lurking. The elegant slope of his nose and sharp corner of his jaw. But then there was his smile. She'd only seen it a couple of times, but when Ben smiled his father came shining through.

Rey rolled over and closed her eyes. It was early. Too early to be awake. She listened to the sound of the thunder rumbling in the distance. The sound was like an army rolling over the mountain. It was a sound both ominous and relaxing. Suddenly, her eyelids were heavy and she could feel herself slipping back to sleep.

"Wake up, Rey."

She smiled as Ben sidled up behind her. The warmth of his body was a welcoming sensation. His arm slid around her middle and gently tugged her back into his embrace. "No," she whined. "I'm sleeping."

"Early is the best time to train," he murmured into her hair.

"Depends on what you mean by 'train.'"

Ben kissed at her temple and along the crest of her cheek. "There's all different kinds of training."

Rey chuckled, reaching back to stroke her fingers through his hair. Her insides were still thrumming with the aftermath of the intense climax. Even now when she moved just right, she could still feel him inside. "Are you always so insatiable?"

"You have no idea," he growled. For a fleeting moment his voice was Kylo Ren.

Rey's belly hummed with excitement and arousal as he feathered kisses along the back of her neck. Nosing under her hairline, his teeth nipped at the skin behind her ear. She could feel his cock against her backside, growing harder as his body responded to the proximity of their bodies. She couldn't help nudging against it. The act offered her a peculiar sense of power over him. That she could have such an effect simply by moving her body in just the right way.

"And here I thought you spent all your time alone… learning how to be evil," she giggled.

"Why would you think that?" he said as his hand wandered from her hip to her breast. "I've been to Canto Bight like everyone else."

"I'm not sure," she said. She tried not to groan aloud as the rough callous on his hand from years of wielding a lightsaber scraped across her nipple. "I assumed the Jedi—even the dark ones—were forbidden from… you know…"

"From sex?" he asked matter-of -factly. Just the way the word, that single word, trickled from those generous lips was more sensual than any caress. Rey could feel her center flush with moist heat.

"Well… yes…"

"Love and sex are very different, Rey," he said, sliding a hand over her breasts and down her stomach. "You would do well to remember it." She gasped, arching back against him as his hand boldly cupped her sex.

"Do you believe that?" Rey asked, rubbing her cheek against his. The scent of him was heavy and she breathed it in.

"Sex is a primal urge. Suppressing that urge is one of the Jedi Order's many failings. Denying who you are is a sure path to darkness. In one way or another. Ask my mother."

Any questions floated away on her sighs of pleasure. Ben circled her opening with slow, deliberate circles that just barely slipped inside. Over and over he teased the plump pearl of sensation at the core of her sex, until she could feel her essence dripping over her thighs.

"Ben," she moaned. Rey thought that any second, she might die of pleasure. Alone on Jakku, during those long, hot nights, she had dreamed of him. The man in black with the face she couldn't see. It was him. It was always him, whispering in the dark. On those nights, she'd awaken in a cold sweat, clutching her blanket so hard in her hands that the rough fabric dug into her palms. On those nights, she'd dared to touch herself, feeling the pressure build inside until she thought she might explode. She felt that exploding warmth now, but it was so much more intense with him. And she wanted so much more. "I didn't expect to want you so much," she whispered.

"Yeah?" he asked. "It didn't surprise me at all."

Rey laughed. "You're so arrogant."

"Don't mistake arrogance for accuracy. I could smell your desire before you knew what it was."

His words went straight to her sex and she pressed her body against his. His cock, impossibly hard, lay prominently between her legs. She moved slowly, enjoying the sensation of it sliding between the slick folds. She wanted him inside of her, craved it even, but he wouldn't give in so easily.

"Ssshh…" he hissed, biting her earlobe until she squeaked. "Don't be so impatient." His other hand caressed her throat, just lightly squeezing. He nudged her head backward so that he could stare down into her eyes. "I'm going to fuck you. But first I want to watch you come."

 **OoOoOo**

"This is so stupid!" Rey threw the tiny macro welder, missing Ben's ear by mere centimeters.

"Problem?" he asked, gritting his teeth.

"I'm never going to get this stupid lightsaber built. It just isn't happening. And I'm not sure why I'm having so much trouble. I've rebuilt speeders from spare parts and rewired whole starships. Why is this stupid thing giving me such a hard time?"

"I suspect that your mind is elsewhere," Ben replied casually. "Which probably means that you shouldn't be constructing a lightsaber. I happen to like your eyebrows."

Rey smiled and pushed the tray of instruments to the side. Ben was right. She had been distracted the last several days. While she could feel herself getting stronger, both physically and with the Force, her mind was a storm of uncertainty that was only quelled by Ben's kisses. She found that the more sex they had, the more she wanted to have. Even the slightest touch of his hand seemed to ignite her arousal. But there was something more. Now that they had joined their bodies and minds, it was almost painful not to be together. Like the Force that bonded them was angry if they were apart. Even when they slept, at the very least their fingers were laced together. They were perched on the precipice of something, but Rey couldn't see it. And though he never mentioned it, she knew Ben could feel it too.

Rey stood and went to him. She'd never be able to focus until they'd had this conversation. It was an inevitable weight that kept pulling her down. "Ben?"

"Yeah?"

Her heart fluttered in her chest, giving her a nauseated feeling. Rey desperately needed to know how he was feeling, but was so afraid to ask. She knelt in front of him, wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her head on his thigh. He carded his fingers through her hair, still engrossed in his book. "Nothing, really. I'm just so… happy."

"Good," he said.

"And I was thinking…"

"Dangerous."

"I was just thinking that… soon we'll have to think about leaving here…"

"And you were wondering where that will leave us when we do," he said, reading her thoughts easily.

"I mean, there's so much to do. Once you're back with us, the Resistance will be reborn throughout the galaxy. And your mother, she'll be so happy to see you. But we'll have to move fast against the First Order, and…" She paused, her excitement stilled by Ben's stoic expression. "Ben?"

"Rey," he started, brushing her hair away from her face and cupping her cheek. "You are so… beautiful. So full of fire and goodness. But so naïve."

"What are you talking about?"

He moved her aside and stood up, walking away. For the first time since they'd finally consummated their feeling for one another, his eyes were cold. Sad. He seemed to know a truth that Rey had not yet come to understand despite their last couple of weeks together. "The world isn't as simple as you imagine. What did you think was going to happen? That you and I were going to sleep together and then I would just run away with you to the Resistance? That isn't how the world works, Rey."

"I can't believe you're saying this. Please… don't do this to me. Not again."

"Rey," he said, turning back and taking her hands. She slapped them away and backed up. "You have no idea how much I want to do as you ask…"

"The vision… it showed me. It showed you fighting at my side… I saw it…"

"And I want to. I do. I've never felt more complete and powerful than I did when we fought those guards. But I can't just leave."

"Why not?" she asked. Hot tears were rolling over her cheeks now and she made no effort to stop them. "You're the Supreme Leader, as you're so quick to remind me. I would think you can do whatever you like."

"That isn't how it is, Rey. It isn't so simple as ordering a cease fire. It isn't just me. If I disappear, do you think that Hux will let that go?"

"From what you've said, he'd like nothing more than to have you out of the picture."

"But Hux is weak. What you said before, about them using me? You were absolutely right. They are. They crave the power that you and I have, so strongly that Hux will hunt me all over the galaxy to get it back."

"And we'll fight him."

"Men like Hux don't fight. They're rabid weasels that hide in the grass and wait for the opportune moment. Hux knows he doesn't have the strength to fight me head on, so he'd come after those I hold dear."

Rey rolled her eyes. "And who would that be? Obviously, you don't care about anything or anybody! And I was a fool to have come here." She started to storm off, but he grabbed her arm tightly. "Let me go…" she cried, trying to wriggle from his grasp. His strength was too much for her and he pulled her into his arms.

"Do you really not know?" he shouted. "After all this time, do you still doubt me?"

"Doubt what? That you could ever turn? That you could ever be more than an angry boy getting revenge on his father?"

"You're right," he growled. "There is darkness inside of me that will never go away. Ever. But you are my light, Rey. You're the light inside me that grays out the shadow. You are the one thing I hold most dear in the entire world and the First Order will stop at nothing to tear you away. If I go back to the Resistance base, they will know it and they will come not for me, but for you. You and my mother. And you won't be able to fight them. It isn't just Hux. Just like it was never just me. Or Snoke. They have countless starships filled with countless soldiers ready to die for their cause."

"I'm not afraid of them."

"But I am! The only thing I'm afraid of is losing you. And if I have to go back to the First Order for a time to keep that from happening, I'll do it. I will dismantle them from the inside, make them weak, kill Hux, and in the midst of their confusion, let the Resistance fighters take them down. Even if I have to die to do it."

Rey shook her head. "No. I won't let you."

Ben laughed, a single tear sliding down the length of the ghostly scar along his cheek. "Think you'll be able to stop me?"

Rey sniffled. "You think I can't?"

He smiled and brushed a tear away from her eye with his thumb. He shook his head. "I don't think I can make you do anything you don't want to." He leaned in for an urgent kiss. At first Rey tensed, but she was helpless to resist him and soon succumbed to his embrace.

Their kiss deepened. Soon they were tearing at one another's clothes, unable to stop their undeniable need. Rey tore at his tunic until it came apart in her hands, then pressed her hands and breasts against his chest. Her body, so warm and soft against the hardened muscle, was a sensual contrast that left her panting. He slid his hands down the back of her leggings, caressing the smooth curve of her ass before pushing them over her hips.

Rey tried to put her arms around his neck, but Ben wasn't having it. He gripped her arm, turning her around roughly and shoving her over the back of the sofa. Rey groaned as he entered, hard and fast from behind. His movements were erratic and furious, as if he were terrified that she would leave him. She could only cry out his name as he thrust his cock deeper inside over and over. She was consumed by the fiery pleasure, unable to stop herself from pushing back. She raised up, reaching back to tangle her fingers in his hair and pull his mouth to hers.

"You're tearing me apart," she whimpered. "Body and soul."

He shouted his release, shuddering against her as they collapsed to the floor. For a long time he held her there, breathing hard into her ear. "I want to be your champion, Rey. But I don't know how."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Sorry this took so long. I'm in the middle of editing one book and writing another, but I hope you enjoy this new chapter. Thanks so much for all of the wonderful reviews. They feed my muse! As always, I'm just playing in other people's sandboxes.

 **OoOoOoOo**

 _"_ _Hurry! They're nearly here!"_

 _The chaos swirling around Rey was disorienting. There were so many of them in the bunker, but she couldn't see. The smoke stung her eyes and choked every breath. A profound sense of dread descended. Her body felt heavy and immovable. She reached out for The Force, but could only feel cold. It had forsaken her. Her sin was evidently unforgiveable._

 _"_ _You did this," Finn said, holding Rose's body against his. "You brought the wolves right to our door. How could you do it, Rey?"_

 _"_ _Finn… I swear…"_

 _Before she could say more, the blast doors opposite opened and a small battalion of stormtroopers marched into the bunker. Rey pushed in front of Finn, igniting her lightsaber. She tripped over something on the floor. In the light of the saber, she recognized the handsome face of Poe Dameron, streaked with blood and still._

 _Through a veil of smoke, she could see down the corridor behind the troopers. She thought she saw General Organa down the hall. Someone was standing over her. Rey fought her way through the line of stormtroopers, feeling as blaster fire skimmed over her skin, but she didn't care. She had to get to Leia._

 _The faster she ran, the further away the General's chambers seemed. Rey finally reached the end just in time to see her fall. "No!" she screamed, her voice echoing through the bunker. When the attacker turned, his face was obscured, but she didn't need to see._

 _"_ _Let the past die, Rey. Kill it if you have to."_

 **OoOoOo**

"Ben!" Rey woke screaming, reaching for something unseen in the darkness. This time the dream wouldn't let go of her. She could still see Leia's dead eyes, staring up at her blankly. Finn's words echoed in her head over and over. All of her friends lying dead through her actions.

"Rey? Are you all right?" Ben sat up and wrapped his arms around her, shaking her gently. "Wake up."

As soon as her eyes focused, Rey burst into tears. She collapsed against him, burying her head in his chest. She sobbed until her tears ran dry. The nightmares that had begun as benign visions the week before had gotten steadily worse. They haunted her each night until she wound up pacing the floor until morning. The Force seemed to be trying to tell her something, but what?

"I don't understand," she sobbed. "I thought this was my path. I'm sorry…"

"What are you talking about?" Ben asked.

"My dreams. These dreams of death. Are they warnings or a truth that I cannot face in my waking mind?"

"What truth?" Ben asked, brushing sweaty curls away from her brow and kissing her forehead lightly.

"That… I've somehow betrayed them… I've betrayed them all."

"Why would you think you've betrayed anyone?" He pulled her close, until she was nearly sitting in his lap. He stroked her hair softly. Why was he so gentle when it came to her? Even when they first met. He'd had a perfect opportunity to kill her, and no reason not to. When he interrogated her about the map, even as he'd invaded her mind, there was no violence. What made Rey so special that the Jedi Killer himself was almost docile in her presence? Why did he care so much? She hated for herself for the lingering doubt and thoughts of ulterior motives.

"Maybe I talk in my sleep," she joked.

"If you do, I haven't been taking notes. If that helps."

Rey sniffled, placing her hand in his. She felt so small here with him. Protected. But at what cost? "When are you planning to go back to them?"

"To where?"

"To the First Order. We've been here more than two weeks. Surely they'll be missing you soon."

Ben scoffed. "Hux has already sent messages through a private HoloNet channel."

Rey's breath caught. She sat up, staring at Ben. "Could he track you through it?"

"He could try. But I'm pretty smart. I managed to bounce the transmissions. If he tried to find me, it would just lead him to Chandrila."

Rey nodded, but she wasn't exactly reassured. "What does he say? Anything about... you know. Us?"

"Us as in you and me, or us as in the resistance cell?"

"The resistance."

"Hux is more interested in a trade dispute in the Corellian system right now." He stared at Rey a moment longer. Finally, he spoke. "You don't trust me."

"Of course I do," she said.

"No," he said. "No you don't. I can feel the uncertainty." He slid out from under her and stood up, turning his back as he pulled his pants on. Rey missed his warmth already. "After the last two weeks, you still don't trust me."

Rey wiped her eyes on the back of her wrist. "I do trust you, Ben. Probably more than anyone else in all the world. But this… this is so hard. You said we could just be Rey the scavenger from Jakku and you could just be Ben Solo. But it's not that easy, is it?"

"What do you mean?" He wandered over to the patio door and stared out at the snow that had begun to fall again.

Rey wasn't sure how to answer. How could she articulate these feelings so that he might understand? She felt as if everything were balanced on the head of a pin, and a single push could make everything tumble down. She could feel Ben turning. His frozen heart was melting and allowing her inside, but he couldn't make the choice just yet. He wasn't ready, and Rey wasn't sure how much more time they had to wait.

"We can't just keep existing this way," she said finally. "Teetering there between light and dark. Not choosing a side. Pretending that the world beyond this cabin doesn't exist. Eventually, this has to change or it has to end."

"Do you want me to go?" he asked, not looking at her.

"Of course I don't. I want you to stay. I want you with me. I …" Rey hesitated. The word lay there on her tongue like a poison pill. She was afraid to say it and afraid to admit it. To speak it would give life to a deep wish that she'd been denied her whole life. Not to mention that even the thought of it felt like she had betrayed everyone who'd ever cared about her. "I want you to come back with me."

"I've already told you, Rey. I can't do that. It isn't so simple…"

"Yes, it is!" she shouted. "This isn't about simplicity. This is about your own vanity."

He whipped around, glaring at her. "What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You just can't stand the thought that maybe you were wrong. All this time, all the suffering and the pain—for power. For some kind of acceptance…"

"You know nothing about what I fight for, Rey. Or why I did the things I did."

Rey stood up and went to him. She laid a hand on his arm, but he tensed. "Please, Ben…" she whispered, kissing the ghostly scar on his shoulder. "I don't want this to end. I couldn't bear it. Not now."

He didn't speak, but turned, letting her wrap her arms around his body and press her cheek to his heart. "Look inside me, Rey."

"What?"

"Look inside me. I'm ready for you to see everything."

 _A small boy with a mess of black hair stands in the middle of an open field, watching a starship launch from the spaceport. The nursemaid droid at his side nudges him to wave goodbye. He does, jovial at first as he shouts, "Bye Mummy! Bye Da!" But Rey can see the sadness slowly creeping into his face. Then tears that glisten on chubby cheeks._

 _…_

 _One image fades into another. This time the boy is older, but his eyes are still full of mischief. He is playing in a garden. There are other children nearby, but the boy seems too shy to approach them. He notices a girl on the other side of the fountain, stealing a glance in his direction. When their eyes meet, she shows him a paper bird. The boy smiles and raises his hand in a small gesture. The little girl's paper bird rises into the air and then flies around her head, flapping its wings. She's enchanted at first, giggling and laughing as her toy comes to life. Then, her mother approaches. The woman's eyes widen before snatching it out of the air. The little girl points at the boy, still smiling. "He knows magic, Mummy!" The woman's expression is full of fear as she steers the little girl away._

 _…_

 _"_ _I don't know what to do with him." The image of the garden melted away and Rey could see the boy standing in shadows. He peers through a crack in the door. A much younger Leia Organa gazed out the window with Luke at her back. "He scares me, Luke. When I look into his eyes, there's an awareness there that I don't understand. I don't know how to help him."_

 _"_ _What do you mean, Leia? He's just a kid."_

 _"_ _It's like, he can pluck my thoughts right out of my head. He knows things he shouldn't. And there's so much power there. So much that he can't control, and I don't know how to help him."_

 _"_ _He's strong in the Force, Leia. You've known that since he was born. And before."_

 _"_ _Yes, but it's more than that. Even Han can feel it, and he's like a stone. It frightens him. Imagine that—afraid of his own son. He's grown so sullen lately. And angry. He's always had my temper, but now… he's so strong."_

 _Luke paced back and forth. "Has Ben hurt anyone?"_

 _"_ _Of course not!" Leia exclaimed. Then with a sigh, "But he could. Easily."_

 _…_

 _"_ _Their jealousy makes them afraid, young Solo. You are everything that they are not." An old man sits beside the boy. He touches his arm and the boy recoils. His fingers are as cold as the beady eyes that stare back at him. "You are of pure blood, despite your mother's best efforts to sully it with that of a smuggler."_

 _"_ _My father is a General!" Ben snapped._

 _"_ _Yes, yes, boy. I didn't mean to insult you. But you cannot deny that he is not… like us."_

 _"_ _What do you mean?"_

 _"_ _He does not know the Force."_

 _"_ _The Force?"_

 _The old man smiled. "She kept everything from you," he murmured. "There is a reason you can do the things that others can't."_

 _"_ _Because I'm a freak," the boy sighed._

 _The old man looked stricken. His face a mixture of anger and despair at the boy's words. "No, no," the old man said, drawing Ben to him as a father. "You are a king, my son."_

 _…_

 _The boy ran. He could feel the heat from the fire and the cinders lighting on his cheeks and mixing with the streaks of blood. And tears._

 _The blood._

 _He stared down at his hands, covered with it. Was it his own or Luke's? Or one of the others? His heart pounded in his chest. He hurt all over, but he couldn't stop. He had to get away before anyone found them. He hadn't meant to do it. He was so afraid, and so angry. Everyone else had feared him, but Luke promised to make everything okay. He trusted his uncle more than anyone else, even his father, and now his uncle had betrayed him too. It was just as Snoke had said. They were jealous of him and afraid. They all hated him._

 _But even then, he hadn't wanted to hurt them. He just wanted to go away. Maybe someday he could find some way to control this on his own. He could explain that the others had been an accident. When he was able, he could come back._

 _He looked back at the flames behind him and knew the truth: he could never go back._

 **OoOoOo**

The images flashed faster and faster. Rey's head ached with all of his memories invading her own.

 _"_ _Lay down the name of Ben Solo. Never speak it again."_

 _"_ _He slaughtered them, Leia."_

 _"_ _Bow before the Jedi Killer!"_

"Ben stop…" Rey whimpered, holding the sides of her head. "Stop it…" She could feel herself being torn apart. She could feel all of his anger and hate, his loneliness and sadness. It filled her up and Rey felt as if it were bursting through her mind like floodwaters.

 _"_ _He's lost, Leia. You have to forget him."_

 _"_ _Rise, Kylo Ren."_

Suddenly, everything stopped and a strange calm settled in her mind. Out of the shadow, a soft light glimmered. It grew brighter and warmer as it came into focus. And then she saw her own face as a child. Then growing into a woman.

"You know me," she whispered as the visions finally faded. "You've always known me."

"Of course I have," he said. "And you knew me."

Rey nodded. "I used to think it was just my imagination. I talked to myself to feel like there was someone there. When you started to talk back, I thought it was just… me wishing so hard. An imaginary friend. I wanted to see you, but there was just the voice in the dark. And then, one day you just… didn't talk anymore. I tried everything to bring you back. Even wearing an old helmet that I found in the desert to block out the light and the noise. I thought that maybe I just couldn't hear you…"

"I didn't want to hurt you. Like everyone else."


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: So I know it's been a while. I had to finish an original novel on deadline for my publisher, so it took a while to get back to it. But I hope this extra long chapter is worth it. Thanks again for all the reviews and encouragement!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 **OoOoOoOo**

 _And there's no remedy for memory your face_

 _Is like a melody, that won't leave my head_

 _Your soul is hunting me and telling me_

 _That everything is fine_

 _But I wish I was dead._

 _-"Dark Paradise," Lana del Rey_

 **OoOoOoOo**

"Get up! You're better than this."

Rey lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling once more. Her entire body throbbed from their sparring. She was distracted today, and he was stronger. Today, he held nothing back, and Rey got the distinct impression that she was not fighting Ben Solo, but Kylo Ren. She hadn't felt this kind of brutality since that snowy forest on Starkiller Base. He circled her, twirling his sparring staff menacingly. Her own was lying in splinters across the room. It was the third one today. Her knuckles bled from where he'd smashed his staff into hers over and over. Her cheek bled from several grazes of his fist. Of course, Rey had given as good as she got. His own lip was cut, but it seemed the more savage he fought, the more he bled, the stronger he became.

Rey rolled over and started to her feet. Her ribs groaned and she nearly went down to her knees again, but he was watching, those brown eyes full of fire. She started to the cabinet to retrieve another bowstaff, but he twirled his own around, narrowly missing the end of her nose. The tip slammed down against the floor. When she tried to move the other direction, he blocked her path again. This time he paced in front of her, dragging the end of his bowstaff against the floor. Clearly, he wasn't going to let her go for the cabinet.

"What are you doing?" she asked finally.

"I've disarmed you. Do you yield?" She started to move past him again and he swept the end of his staff under her feet, throwing her to the floor again. "Do you yield?"

"You broke my staff," she said, getting up again.

"Then get another."

"But I can't…" she stammered, trying to push past him.

"Seriously?" he taunted. Finally, he grabbed her hand and held it out toward the weapons cabinet. "Call it, then."

"What?"

"Call the fucking staff," he said, rolling his eyes. "We know you can do it. You called Luke's lightsaber. You did it so well that you broke the fucking thing in half. Call it to your hand." When she stood there dumbly, he growled and shoved her forward.

"Stop yelling at me," she whined, stumbling.

"Stop being stupid."

"I don't know what you want me to do."

"I want you to be the warrior you were when we first met."

"When we first met, I wanted to kill you!" Rey exclaimed. "Or you wanted to kill me. I was trying to protect myself. And I don't know how to recreate that. I don't know what I was thinking or what I was feeling. It just happened." She sniffled and wiped at the sweat dripping over her brow. "I haven't been able to do this my whole life, you know. I haven't had any training at all and you're expecting me to be a jedi."

Suddenly, the angry rictus in his jaw softened and the fiery eyes of Kylo Ren subsided. He threw his staff aside and crossed his arms as he began to pace. Rey could tell that he was deep in thought by the way he chewed at his lower lip. She started to wonder if she should say something, but from the looks of him, he'd never hear. Finally, he looked up.

"Come on," Ben said, pushing his hair back from his forehead. He started toward the stairs, but noticed she was not following. He stopped at the head of the staircase and gestured for her to follow.

"You're getting very bossy," she grumbled, stomping toward him.

When she got close, he grabbed her around the waist and threw her over his shoulder. Rey giggled and squirmed in his grasp. She hated to admit it, but she kind of enjoyed their size difference at times like these. He was tall and bulky, she was small and willowy. She managed to work herself around until she was riding on his back down the stairs.

When they reached the bedroom, he let her down on the bed and immediately went to the wardrobe. He grabbed several articles of clothing and tossed them at her.

"What's this?"

"Get dressed," he said, rummaging through the clothes.

"Uhm… why?" she said, holding a pair of pants up to her hips.

"We're going out."

"Out?" Surely, she'd heard him wrong. Since her arrival more than two weeks ago, they'd been holed up in this cabin in the middle of nowhere. To her knowledge, there was no place to go. Not anyplace where they'd need to dress for the occasion.

"Yes. Out," he replied simply. He pulled out some clothes for himself and began pulling off the loose tunic he'd been wearing to train. Rey found herself standing on the other side of the room, clutching the set of clothes he'd given her. She watched as he disrobed completely. Her eyes followed the contours of muscle along the back of his leg that moved when he walked into the refresher. She heard the noise of the sanisteam before his head peeked out from behind the doorframe. "You coming?"

Rey smiled and began pulling her clothes off. She subconsciously crossed her arms over her chest as she strolled toward the fresher. She watched as he ducked under the stream, washing the day's exertions from his skin. When he noticed that she was just standing there watching him, he stepped aside and made room for her under the stream. She stepped in front of him and sighed as the hot vapor hit her skin. On Jakku, water had been a scarce commodity, but she had grown to relish the pleasure of a hot shower, even if it was just a quick steam bath.

Rey closed her eyes and stood there, letting the super-heated steam calm the ache in her muscles across her shoulders. Then she felt Ben there, close behind. He kissed her shoulder gently, then nibbled at her earlobe. "Was this all just a ploy to get me naked in the steam shower?"

"Maybe," he said, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her against his chest. She reached back, tangling her fingertips in the wet curls at the base of his skull. The palms of his hands were rough as he swept them along her belly and up to her breasts. He squeezed each one gently, teasing the centers until they were sensitive and swollen, practically reaching out for him.

"This isn't solving our problem," she murmured, arching back to grind the curve of her bottom against his groin.

"You're absolutely right," he growled. He stroked his fingers through her wet hair, pulling at the matted bits. He tugged harder until her throat was bared. He kissed it eagerly, grazing his teeth across the plump vein that pulsed with every beat of her heart.

Without warning, he pulled away and strolled out of the refresher. The change in gears was so sudden that it left Rey dizzy. By the time she opened her eyes, he was in the bedroom, scrubbing a towel through his soaking mane. She groaned in frustration and twisted the spray to OFF.

He was already pulling his pants on when she got there. "That wasn't very nice, Ben," she said.

"Oh?" He said it in all seriousness, but Rey could see the mischievous smirk.

"We all know you've created a monster," she pouted. "A hungry monster who doesn't like having her… meal taken away."

He laughed and pulled a shirt on. "Let's just hope you stay hungry, then."

Rey pulled on the black pants he'd chosen for her. They fit like a second skin and went all the way to her ankles, unlike the loose, desert clothing she'd always worn. The shirt was the same, seeming like just a series of tight fitting, gray straps that wound around her body from her neck to her waist. It was topped off with a fluffy black and gray knit cowl. "I think this is how it goes," she said, turning around.

Rey gasped when she saw him. For the first time, when she looked at Ben, all she could see was a much younger version of Han Solo. His bulky frame was highlighted by the close fitting, high-necked sweater, and his legs looked impossibly long in the dark trousers. His fingers were nimble as he quickly plaited a narrow braid of his unruly curls away from his brow. It was so strange that she blinked a few times to make sure that her vision wasn't just blurry. He didn't seem to notice and pulled a jacket around his shoulders.

"You look great," Ben said.

"I look like a snowbeast," she grumbled, pulling at the cowl.

"You'll be glad to have it when we get outside." He turned without a word and stalked from the room.

Rey took a look at herself in the mirror, twisting her hair into a loose bun on top of her head. Her cheeks were flushed and a longing throb of sensation had settled at her center. The last thing she wanted to do was go out. He'd seemed very keen in the shower, but now acted completely unbothered.

"Come, Rey!" he shouted from the foyer.

"Not soon enough," she mumbled, following.

OoOoOoOo

Rey hated to admit it, but Ben was right about the cowl. As they sped through the snowy mountain passes, she was almost sure that her nose was going to freeze and come off in her hand. The biting wind whipped around her face and the icy crystals felt like tiny blades cutting her cheeks. Finally, they emerged from the mountains and Ben stopped the speeder.

"Where are we going?" she asked, her teeth chattering.

Ben pointed toward a cluster of light below them. "There."

A tiny village stood in the center of the valley. Rey thought it looked very much like Niima Outpost, only instead of miles of sandy dunes all around, there were miles of snow-covered hills. "I didn't know there was a town nearby," Rey said.

"Town is probably a strong word for it," Ben said. "More like an outpost for the scum of the galaxy."

"What do you mean 'scum?' I mean, according to you, my definition is loose."

"Smugglers, pirates, arms dealers… but lucky for us, the First Order has almost no presence here."

"Almost?"

"Who do you think these shady dealers are selling to? Not the Resistance. Since the Republic was wiped out, their cash flow is somewhat lacking. And the First Order pays."

Ben dismounted and stepped into the snow. He offered Rey his hand to help her down, but she refused. She was still slightly annoyed about his leaving her trembling and unsatisfied before. Evidently, he suspected this and smirked as he snapped the collar of his coat.

Rey followed him down the path toward the small town. Immediately, she began to feel lighter. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed seeing other people. Of course, the closer they got, the more Rey started to feel uneasy. All eyes were on them as they made their way toward a rough-looking cantina at the end of the cobbled road. The place was inhabited by all sorts, but none of them looked particularly friendly. Despite her earlier defiance, Rey eagerly jogged to catch up with Ben and took his hand. She held it tightly and tried to keep her head down.

The Mammoth cantina immediately put Rey in mind of Maz Kanata and the castle on Takodana. It was smaller, but just as dingy. As soon as they walked in, the smell of stale alcohol, cooked meat, and Gods knew what else slapped Rey in the face. She could almost feel it settling on her skin and staining her hair with the stench of it. As they passed by, some looked up, but there were no friendly smiles or waves of recognition. Rey supposed that this was one of the reasons why Ben liked this place. If the various species collected here were even aware of the First Order, no one cared. Much like Jakku, everyone was too busy just trying to survive their own thankless existence to worry much about political intrigue. If the First Order managed to blow the planet up, well then at least it was quicker than starving to death.

Ben led her over to a small table in the corner of the place that was still piled with the last occupants' trash. A rusty service droid rolled over and swept everything into the floor and then rolled away as if they weren't there.

"Wow," Rey said. "Hospitable, aren't they?"

"Hospitality isn't a quality most of the people in here aspire to," Ben said. "Keep your eyes open. There isn't a soul here who wouldn't be glad to relieve you of your head should the notion take them. That table of Rodian pirates over there have already scanned us for anything of value."

Rey scooted closer to Ben, crossing her arms over herself. She wasn't sure what 'scanned us' meant, but she felt dirty. "How do you know that?"

Ben's expression seemed to question her seriousness. He tapped his temple. "You could know it too if you'd shut everything out and listen to the Force."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, most species' minds are like wide open books. Those of us who can manipulate the Force are able to peer inside them fairly easily. We flip through the pages of their mind and extract whatever we'd like. Those who are strong with the Force, even on a subconscious level, can resist it, or even join with another's, sometimes without thinking. For example, sometimes prisoners who are subconsciously strong with the Force can, in stressful situations like being strapped to interrogation chairs, rudely pluck out another's most secret thoughts without even being aware that they're doing it."

"Oh," Rey said, not really understanding.

Seeing that she was still confused, Ben leaned in conspiratorially. He gestured toward a hulking, sweaty human sitting on his own in the corner. The man was tattooed from head to toe and wore gold rings all along the cuffs of both ears. Heavy scars that looked as if they'd been carved into his skin snaked around his shoulders and along the side of his neck. "Watch him," Ben whispered in her ear. "Focus on him. You don't have to stare, just imagine that you're in a narrow hallway with you on one end and him on the other. Let everyone else melt away. Close your eyes. Can you hear his mind?"

"I don't…" she started. "I can't hear anything."

"Stop trying to hear something. Let the Force do all the work. It will come."

Rey sighed and closed her eyes again, picturing the scuzzy character at the other table. The din of noise in the cantina began to fade as she concentrated. "So many voices," she whispered.

"Find his voice," Ben said. "Just his."

"I wish Tarjin would hurry up. I haven't got all night to sit here waiting. My merchandise would fetch a fine price in Canto Bight."

Rey gasped, opening her eyes. She'd never read anyone's thoughts except for Ben's. It was an odd thing. She tried to shake off the sharp stab behind her eye, and she felt like she'd run a mile up the mountain. "What was… what was that?"

"Reading the mind of an unwilling party. Well, unknowing anyway. You'll get used to it. Sometimes they have an inherent knowledge that someone is reading them, and they'll resist. Other times, they won't. It's always easier when they don't. But careful not to leave the frequencies open. You'll be hearing thousands of voices shouting at once." He paused, pulling himself away from her gaze. "Or worse, one voice that won't ever leave you alone."

"That sounds terrible," Rey said, still rubbing a dull throb from her temples.

"Again, you get used to it. And you won't even have to think about it. You'll just know." Another service droid rolled by and Ben grabbed one of the glasses off its tray. He knocked back the entire glass with one gulp and slammed it down again. "And yes, it's terrible."

Rey studied his expression. He was obviously far away, caught up in some old memory that he'd kept shoved in the back of his mind for a long time. A memory that he was not eager to relive. The more she got to know Ben Solo, the more Rey began to understand that his fall to the darkness had been inevitable from the start.

"So what was he thinking?"

"Huh?" Rey said, snapping out of her thoughts. "Oh, something about merchandise and Canto Bight. And someone named Tarjin."

Ben sat up, a smirk on his lips. "Excellent. We got here just in time."

"What are you talking about?"

Ben didn't answer. He stood up and grabbed her hand. "Let's go."

"But…" She stumbled after him, looking back at the tattooed man. "I thought…"

Before they could reach the doors, a man stepped out from behind the bar, blocking their path. "Oy! The droid says you didn't pay." He jerked his head toward the rusty service droid from whose tray Ben had taken the drink.

Rey gripped Ben's hand tightly, sure that this man was going to pull out a blaster and blow them both away. Then, she noticed the tiniest quirk of Ben's eyebrow as he glared at the bartender. "I don't need to pay. It was on the house."

"You don't need to pay," the bartender droned. "It was on the house."

"Sorry I got in your way," Ben said.

"Sorry I got in your way."

"You'll let me go now," Ben said. The smirk on his face said it all, Rey thought. He was enjoying this. "Have a great night."

"I'll just let you go now," the bartender said cheerily. "You have a great night."

"You too," Ben said. He pulled Rey behind him as the man stepped aside.

When they got outside, Rey couldn't help laughing. "Wow. That was awesome. You have to show me how to do that."

"I was under the impression that you were pretty proficient at that old party trick," Ben said.

"What do you mean?"

"You will remove these restraints and leave this cell with the door open," he said, perfectly imitating the blank tone Rey had employed to get past the stormtrooper. "You think people don't talk about you."

Rey giggled and followed Ben. Keeping to the shadows, they jogged around the building and down a long alley to an abandoned hangar. Well, it seemed abandoned, but it was fairly apparent the closer they got, that the place was still very much in use by the shady denizens of the village. Every rinky-dink, run-down junk pile in the galaxy seemed to be collected in this tiny space. Rey thought that The Falcon would have look quite at home here.

"What is this place?" Rey asked.

"Everything smuggled illegally through the galaxy has to come through here first. Spice, weapons, and slaves are all shipped from this hangar. That cantina back there was the main meeting hub for buying and selling. Your friend Besingi back there…"

"My friend?"

"The guy with all the tattoos. He's a major kingpin in the slave trade. He's waiting to sell off his stock. Tonight's buyer is a man called Tarjin."

"Who is he?"

Ben shrugged. "A slave trader. The middle man." He nodded to a group of women and children huddled together in front of a ramshackle freight vessel. Their faces were haunted and hopeless. Some of the children were crying while others tried to comfort them. Rey noticed that most of the women were scantily clothed in filthy rags that showed their malnourished bodies. She gasped when she realized that still others were heavily pregnant.

"Are those…Are they…?" Her voice trembled. She wanted to look away and felt guilty for doing so. She'd been one of them, not so long ago.

Tarjin is here to buy one hundred human slaves on behalf of the First Order."

Rey turned, glaring at Ben. "The First Order?"

"Where do you think all those stormtroopers, like your friend FN-2187, come from? The First Order doesn't use clones anymore. They're too expensive. Infants and small children are taken from all over the galaxy and programmed."

Ben continued explaining, but Rey wasn't listening. It didn't matter. This was more of an atrocity than any she'd seen thus far. She had heard stories from Finn about what constituted "programming." Abuse was more like it. These children were being sold off to be tortured. The thought made Rey's blood boil. "And what of the women?"

"Newborn children are the easiest to program. The First Order takes the mothers and cares for them until the babies are born. Then, the babies are taken and raised in isolation by droids. They have no concept of emotion or attachment because they're never exposed to it. Children that are left on their own and neglected conform easily." Ben's jaw was tight as he said this, and his hands were clenched into tight fists. His rage was barely contained. So, he didn't approve of the First Order's methods anymore than she did. Was it possible that he felt some kind of kinship with them? Ben had been neglected and isolated too. Maybe that's why he had so much contempt for Finn. It wasn't that he was a traitor to the First Order, it was that he himself hadn't been able to break free of their control and rebel. Rey wasn't sure why she was surprised by this realization, but it made her heart throb in her chest.

"We're going to help them," they said in unison.

Rey stared as if Ben had sprouted horns.

"We are?" she asked.

"See anyone else here who might?" he asked.

"But we can't…" she stammered, looking over her shoulder. Rey was suddenly sure that every movement behind them was a stormtrooper. "We don't have any weapons."

"Speak for yourself," he said, opening his jacket slightly to show that his lightsaber was strapped to his waist.

"What?"

Ben chuckled and Rey felt a flutter in her midsection. His smile was so beautiful. "No worries. Here you are." He held another saber out to her. "I thought about blasters, but they're so loud."

Rey examined the heavy metal hilt in her hand. She recognized it as being the one she'd been working on for herself. Ben had told her that it was essential for any Force warrior, Jedi or otherwise, to build their own lightsaber, but Rey hadn't been able to make hers work so far. "What did you do?"

"I just… tweaked it. Maybe. Just a little bit."

"But, I thought the kyber crystal… I thought there wasn't one."

"Except in the broken saber."

She was about to question him further when there was commotion from the slave ship. Down at the hangar, the tattooed Besingi and several others had begun separating the crowd into smaller groups and herding them toward another ship. One of the women, heavily pregnant with two other children huddling at her side, screamed at the men in a strange language. They snapped back and jerked the girl child away from her. She fought back, scratching and fighting as the little girl began screaming for her mother.

Chaos erupted in the hangar. The child's screaming seemed to have alerted the slaves that there were far more of them than the pirates. They began pushing and shouting. Some were frightened and started trying to run. As they broke from the crowd, the pirates would stun them with blasters or jab at them with electrostaffs as if they were cattle being herded back to pasture. A boy child threw himself at one of the pirates and began kicking and beating at him with tiny fists. Another pirate rushed up behind and grabbed the boy around the waist, pulling him off of his shipmate. The pirate threw the little boy aside and kicked him hard. The boy shrieked in pain and tried to get up, but his attacker drew a weapon that looked like a whip with five, glowing red energy beams. He snapped the weapon and brought it down against the boy's back, drawing an agonized scream.

Rey glanced toward Ben as if to ask what their next move would be. He didn't look back, but started toward the hangar. His shoulders were squared and his expression was fierce and unyielding as he ignited his lightsaber. The low, throbbing hum of it had once incited a dread in Rey like nothing else. Now it seemed to echo the beating of her own heart and she followed suit.

Ben ran into the fray without one iota of hesitation. He roared to announce his arrival and the first pirate was defeated almost immediately by his own fright. The pirate who had so bravely whipped a child was sliced in two before he even realized what was happening. He looked down at his wound and then up at Ben with his last, dying glance. Ben delivered a kick to the man's hip and he fell over dead in two, still writhing pieces. He gave the saber a twirl as he turned toward another and beckoned him over. The pirate pulled his blaster and started shooting, backing away with a clumsy stumble. Ben's lightsaber deflected the laser shots easily continuing toward him like an unstoppable force of nature. Over and over the pirate shot, but Ben was unrelenting until he raised a hand, stopping the beam mid-flight. With one hand he deflected the blaster fire into the snow and with the other he thrust his blade downward into the belly of the pirate.

Rey couldn't look away from him as he fought. It was terrible and fascinating. Despite the cold, her cheeks were flushed with heat as she realized that watching his savage brutality had aroused something inside of her more frightening than even her own growing power.

Another angry shout from Ben snapped Rey from her thoughts and into the battle. She was standing at the edge of the chaos, unprotected. One of the space pirates noticed and started toward her. Suddenly, she remembered that she had no idea how to turn on her own lightsaber. Her thumb brushed over the switch and it burst to life in her hand. A blade the color of ash and fire sprung forth from the hilt. Then another from the vent at the other end, forming a staff made of fire. "Tweaked it, huh?" she murmured, before running into the melee.

The space pirate heading toward her pulled a weapon from his side. At first Rey assumed that it was another blaster. "You lost, girlie?" he called, igniting his own blade. The weapon wasn't unlike her own, but the blade was short, broad, and crackled with instability. "May hap you belong down 'ere with us."

Rey answered with a twirl of her staff. Her blade collided with his, sending sparks flying. At first she was sloppy, merely deflecting his blows that pushed her backward. He wanted her as far from Ben as he could get her, assuming that they were allies. The pirate was strong and every thrust of his blade threatened to crush her shoulder. There was a considerable difference between fighting with her own metal and wood bowstaff and this one. As she twirled it behind her upper arm, she could feel the heat of the blade on her skin.

The pirate slashed downward and Rey blocked him with the hilt. The momentum of his blow carried him forward and Rey parried, throwing him off balance, then kicking him forward. Realizing that he'd made a mistake engaging her, the pirate ran toward the others. He fell to his knees and crawled to his feet as he tried to get away from Rey. She smiled, enjoying the intense feeling of power.

"You better run," she shouted after him as she followed.

By the time she reached Ben, the slaves were huddled on the concourse leading into the ship and a group of pirates and First Order lackeys were circling them. Rey turned with her back to Ben's. Two faced her with those fiery looking whips, while others advanced on Ben with their sloppy, short sabers.

"We might be slightly outnumbered," Rey said.

"I know," Ben replied. "Fun, isn't it?"

"Fun?"

She wasn't sure, but Rey thought she heard him laugh as he pointed his saber at the three pirates. He stomped the ground, bringing his dominant foot to the front and strengthening his stance. The two facing Rey snapped their whips against the ground, throwing up sparks. Rey held her staff out in front of herself, trying to look more confident than she felt.

"I probably should have told you this before," Ben said. "If you twist the hilt, the staff will come apart in two pieces."

"That might have been useful," Rey said with a grunt as one of the pirates slashed at her with the whip. She ducked just in time, sweeping one end of the staff across his knees. He screamed as it grazed the skin. She thrust forward, hooking the end of the whip in her blade. A swirling arc pulled the weapon from his hand and tossed it backward. The movement threw her attacker off balance and he fell forward. He tried to get up and Rey kicked him hard as she deflected the other pirate's blow. He let out an angry growl and snapped the whip back. When he did so, the end of the fiery tongue slid across her chest. Rey shrieked with the sharp pain. He snapped it again and the tails wrapped around her ankle. The pirate laughed as she fell on her back. He began pulling her toward him.

"Ben!" she screamed, the strap cutting into her. The pain was blinding. For a moment, Rey was sure that she could smell her flesh burning. She glanced over her shoulder to see Ben skewer one of the men on his lightsaber. She groaned in agony as she pulled her leg back, making the pirate stumble forward. Ben grabbed her wrist with his free hand, jerking Rey to her feet just as the pirate fell on his face. She used his back and Ben's grip on her wrist to leap into another attacker slashing downward toward Ben. Rey detached the pirate's head effortlessly with a twirl of her staff.

She didn't have much time to celebrate. The pirates kept coming as fast as she and Ben could mow them down. But the longer they fought, the more Rey felt that something else was controlling her actions. The Force guided her hand, but it was something more. When dueling against Ben, every move was difficult, but this was easy. Like breathing.

In minutes, a pile of dead pirates lay around them as they stood back to back, panting. "See, that wasn't so hard," Ben said, pushing his hair out of his face.

"You're such an ass…" Rey murmured, fumbling with her lightsaber.

Ben smirked. He nudged the body of the largest pirate and rummaged around in the pockets until he found a keycard.

"What will happen to them?" Rey asked, nodding toward the crowd of slaves huddled at the door of the cargo ship.

Ben didn't answer, but jogged over to the ship. Rey recognized the pregnant woman that had fought back against the pirates who tried to take her children. She stepped in front of them again, staring Ben in the eye.

"Any of you know how to fly a ship?" he called.

The pregnant woman nodded. "Just small farm speeders. Maybe a quadjumper."

Ben pushed the keycard into her hand. "It's the same principle. Try to stay away from systems friendly to the First Order. They'll be looking for you." The woman nodded, then began herding the rest of the group onto the ship. She paused and turned back to them. She took Ben's hands in hers, staring up at him with tears glistening on her cheeks.

"You saved my children's lives." She rubbed her swollen belly absently. "All of them. I don't know how to thank you…uhm…"

"Ben," he said. His name sounded foreign from his lips. "And Rey," he said, pointing at her. "We're with the Resistance. And you don't owe me anything." He stared down at the woman's hands on his. "I have a lot to make up for."

There was shouting in the distance. Rey turned and saw the large, tattooed man from the cantina starting up the hill toward the hangar. "Ben! We have to go!" Rey shouted.

Ben released the woman's hand and shoved her toward the ship. "Go now. And don't tell anyone about this."

He turned away from them and pulled his hood over his head. "Come on," he said to Rey, grabbing her hand and pulling her between the ships. "Let's go home."


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: I'm sorry this was forever coming, but I think you'll like the results. Only one more chapter to go and I'm really not sure that I'm ready to let go. I hope you guys love it and that this chapter leaves you hungry for the next and final chapter. Thanks again for all the reviews and nudges of encouragement. It really helps! As always, I own nothing...

 **OoOoOoO**

" _Nothing could be worse than to sail this universe, without you." – "We Are Stars," The Pierces_

" _Take your hatred out on me. I am your tourniquet_ _."-_ _"Tourniquet," Marilyn Manson_

 **OoOoOoOo**

They scarcely made it through the door of the cabin before they were pawing at one another. The adrenaline of the fight was racing hot through Rey's veins. All this energy still left unspent throbbed under her skin, and she needed some way to dispel it. And when she looked at Ben, his dark curls falling wet and twisty over his forehead, she knew there was only one way. When she closed her eyes, she could still see the way his muscles moved as he thrust his lightsaber into his opponent. The sound of his grunts and growls of triumph still echoed in her ears. The memory was more potent than his touch and Rey felt the slippery evidence between her thighs.

As soon as the door clicked closed, Rey threw the heavy cowl aside and her body against his. He was startled by her ferocity at first, then wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in close. Their lips met in a violent kiss. Each of them fought for dominance as their tongues danced together. Rey captured Ben's generous lower lip between her teeth, sucking it into her mouth and nibbling gently. He cupped her face between his hands and held her still. His kiss stole her breath and she could feel herself surrendering. His savory skin was moist with the sweat of their exertions, and Rey lapped at his lips and chin.

"I'm a little worried that violence has such an effect on you," Ben mumbled between kisses. "I thought you were a Jedi. All sad and weepy at the loss of life."

"Those men were monsters," she said, tugging his shirt over his torso. "And I'm no Jedi."

At the sight of his pale, muscled flesh, her mouth watered and she slid down his body. She wanted to taste every inch of him. He groaned softly as her fingertips slid under the waistband of his pants, tugging them down over his hips. Now that his cock was exposed, Rey could see that the battle had affected him as much as it had her. She leaned in and kissed at the shallow line that crossed over one hip, purposefully avoiding the one place where he desperately wanted to feel her kiss. She breathed lightly over him, her lips barely touching the rigid flesh at the base of his sex. He growled, tangling his fingertips into the messy knot at her crown. A gentle tug and her hair spilled down over her shoulders and across her cheeks. He held her firmly in place as she teased her tongue along the length of his cock. It swelled and throbbed against her mouth, almost like a being independent of him.

Rey took him into her mouth, acting purely on instinct. He made a small noise and tightened his grip on her hair. It gave her such a sense of power to pleasure him this way. He was completely at her mercy and she got to call every shot. Evidently, he liked it too. With a growling moan he arched his back, pushing more of his cock into her mouth.

"Stop," he snarled, pulling at the knot of her hair still clutched in his fist.

But Rey didn't want to stop. She wanted to tease and taste and devour him until he lost all control. The fight with the pirates was the first time she'd seen his rage since the forest. Even as they'd cut down Snoke's guards, it had been a calculated endeavor. Once, she'd feared it, but now she craved that raw darkness. She wanted to take it into herself, drinking in his nature and absorbing his power.

"I said stop!" he growled, pulling hard on Rey's hair and dragging her aside. She fell to her knees, staring up at him and breathing hard. She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the top of his boot and she could see the fire in her own eyes. It was a fire similar to his and for the first time, she could feel her own rage roiling inside. All of those emotions she'd been so afraid to feel, were sizzling right there on the surface, waiting to explode. Was this how he'd felt the first time he'd let Kylo Ren take over? The exhilaration of that power was overwhelming. Rey closed her eyes and let it rush in. It felt good. Was this the Dark Side of the Force tempting her? Had this been his plan all along?

Ben knelt down and beckoned her forward. She obeyed his silent command, feeling herself drawn to him. She couldn't have resisted even if she wanted to. He brushed his fingers through her hair, pushing it away from her brow. She felt that connection between them, like a warm thread, swell as she gazed into his face. "The darkness. It feels good, doesn't it?"

Rey closed her eyes. She didn't want to answer. She was almost ashamed at losing control that way, remembering how Luke had chided her for refusing to turn away from that darkness on Ahch-To.

"Go ahead. Say it. Don't deny it."

"Are you trying to turn me?" Rey whispered.

"No," he said, standing and pulling Rey to her feet. "Just to admit that there is darkness inside of you. Just like me. Just like everyone. That's the lesson, Rey. That's what killed the Jedi. And the Sith. There's no light. No dark. Just the Force. Just you and me. We're the last of them. The last Jedi."

He didn't say another word, but swept Rey off her feet and into his arms.

 **OoOoOoOo**

 _The explosion lit up the room, bright as day. They were nearly here and what was left of the resistance fighters were cowering in the corner. The bunker had been secure, but evidently not secure enough. Any second, the room would be flooded with stormtroopers with orders to kill. The First Order wasn't interested in taking prisoners. Not this time. There were no more secrets to sell. No more reason to let them go. They had played to Leia's greatest weakness—mercy._

" _What can we do?" Poe_ _Dameron_ _demanded, ducking as another explosion rocked the bunker. "There has to be a way out."_

" _That's the point of a bunker," Leia said._ _"One way in, one way out."_

" _Come on," he said. "We've gotten out of stickier situations than this."_

" _This isn't_ _Crait_ _," Finn said. "No caves, no secret passages." He pulled the blaster that had once belonged to Han Solo from the holster at his waist. "All we can do is fight."_

" _There's too many of them," Rose said, her voice trembling. "We won't last five minutes."_

" _Maybe we can hold our own until help arrives."_

" _There's no one left to help us," Leia said. She gave a bitter chuckle. "Han always said this would happen. A good spy on the inside is worth a thousand stormtroopers."_

 _Suddenly, the blast doors began to glow bright red. The metal_ _began to melt away in oozing chunks, hitting the floor with a sickening plop._

 _"What is that?" Finn asked. "Why don't they just blast the door open?"_

 _"That's not an explosive," Poe replied. He started toward the door, but Leia stopped him with a firm hand at his elbow._

 _"No," she said, just as a large disc of metal was kicked through. A flash of red lit up her cheeks, already stained with tears. "That's a Jedi."_

 **OoOoOoO**

Rey sat up, gasping for air, her body covered with sweat. The cool of the room made her shiver and she could see that the door leading to the patio was open. New fallen snow glistened in the moonlight, so cold she could almost taste the icy crystals. Looking down beside her, she saw that Ben was gone, having left only the outline of his body. Rey reached out and touched the spot. It was still warm and she breathed a sigh of relief. For the tiniest of moments, she'd been sure that he was gone. The confusion and conflict within had finally gotten the better of him. Could she blame him really? Rey wasn't sure that she could take it much longer.

"Good. You're awake."

Rey turned to see Ben coming through the patio door, fully dressed. "Yeah, I had..."

"A bad dream," he said. "I know. Me too."

"How did you know?"

"I have no idea, but am I wrong? You were in a bunker, watching as the First Order was about to burst in and murder your friends and my mother."

"Yes," she said. "But how could you..."

"You think the Force doesn't speak to me too?" He chuckled lightly and tossed a set of clothes toward her. "Hurry. There isn't much time."

"I know it does, but dreaming together?"

He shrugged and tossed more things into a bag. "I've stopped questioning. What I know for sure is that we need to get back to your ship or we'll be too late. I've already got the coordinates."

"My ship?" Rey asked, standing up and struggling to pull up the tightly fitting leggings. "Your ship is faster."

"My ship is recognizable as a First Order cruiser. They'd be in insane not to shoot us down if we got within a parsec of the base. Besides, my ship is on autopilot, flying toward the Outer Rim even as we speak."

"Us? What do you mean 'us?' I thought you were going back to them."

He paused, heaving an exasperated sigh. "They do too. How do you think I got the coordinates?" He offered a playful wink and threw the bag over his shoulder. "Now hurry up. We have to save the galaxy."


End file.
